I’ve been floating the idea of hoaxing The Guardian for years now. The plan was to pose as some emotionally wrecked beta male shivering and sobbing over some minuscule thought-crime. My persona would confess to having briefly – but only briefly! – entertained some elicit notion: that women don’t make less than men because of ‘the patriarchy’, that the #BlackLivesMatter’s open season on cops isn’t improving race relations in the United States, etc. But my alter ego would quickly recoil from that notion, not because it’s factually inaccurate (it’s not), but because it’s (gasp!) sexist or (eep!) racist.
According to the thought-policing Guardianistas, at least.
Alas, someone beat me to it. And they actually did a really shit job. Go ahead and read ‘“Alt-Right” online poison nearly turned me racist’. It’s probably the most obvious spoof in the history of obvious spoofs and, simple-minded as we know the Guardian lot tends to be, I’m sincerely surprised they fell for it.
Here we have the story of (you guessed it!) Anonymous, ‘a happily married, young white man’ whose ‘spent my entire life – save the last four months – as a progressive liberal.’ He only associates with other bien-pensants – ‘very liberal or left-leaning centrists’ – and ‘always voted Liberal Democrat or Green.’ ‘The thought of racism in any form,’ Anonymous assures us, ‘has always been abhorrent to me.’ If he hasn’t made himself crystal clear yet, he’s a good boy – a very good boy.
But then something happened. After Brexit – which left him ‘devastated’, he assures us – Anonymous decided to do a bit of research on why anyone would vote ‘Leave’. (Of course, like a good Guardianista, it didn’t even occur to him to hear the Brexiteers out before the vote.) ‘Surely they were not all racist, bigoted or hateful?’ he asks. Oh, my poor Anonymous. If only you knew.
Our friend here began watching speeches by leading voices in the Brexit brigade, like Boris Johnson, Michael Gove, Dan Hannan, and Nigel Farage. No, sorry – he watched YouTube videos by Sam Harris and Milo Yiannopoulos. My bad. Anon. writes:
They were shocking at first, but always presented as innocuous criticism from people claiming to be liberals themselves, or centrists, sometimes ‘just a regular conservative’ – but never, ever identifying as the dreaded ‘alt-right’.
For three months I watched this stuff grow steadily more fearful of Islam. ‘Not Muslims,’ they would usually say, ‘individual Muslims are fine.’ But Islam was presented as a ‘threat to western civilisation’. Fear-mongering content was presented in a compelling way by charismatic people who would distance themselves from the very movement of which they were a part.
Eventually, such perverse notions began to poison the mind of our good boy – our very good boy – until; at last, the unthinkable happened:
On one occasion I even, I am ashamed to admit, very diplomatically expressed negative sentiments on Islam to my wife. Nothing ‘overtly racist’, just some of the ‘innocuous’ type of things the YouTubers had presented: ‘Islam isn’t compatible with western civilisation.’
Wifey wasn’t having it.
She was taken aback: ‘Isn’t that a bit … right-wing?’
I justified it: ‘Well, I’m more a left-leaning centrist. PC culture has gone too far, we should be able to discuss these things without shutting down the conversation by calling people racist, or bigots.’
Now you clearly see the truly harrowing extent of Anonymous corruption. He actually entertained the notion that anyone who disagrees with him isn’t necessarily a racist or a bigot. ‘The indoctrination,’ as he says, ‘was complete.’
Eventually, and without absolutely any empirical evidence proving the ‘dreaded’ Alt-Right wrong, he simply shook himself out of his delusion. The Lena Dunham-shaped homunculus perched on his brainstem began hurling abuse at his overactive thought-centres. ‘You’re becoming a racist,’ he warned himself; ‘What you’re doing is turning you into a terrible, hateful person’ – like all those uneducated, xenophobic arseholes who voted for Brexit and probably don’t even know what farm-to-table means.
But what’s important is that the spell was broken. He promises us, ‘I’ve spent every day since feeling shameful for being so blind and so easily coerced’ into thinking that dissenting from his far-left worldview doesn’t make someone an inherently bad person.
There’s only one last hurdle to face:
I haven’t yet told my wife that this happened, and I honestly don’t know how to. I need to apologise for what I said and tell her that I certainly don’t believe it. It is going to be a tough conversation and I’m not looking forward to it.
Bearing in mind that this is – again, with 100 percent certainty – an Alt-Right hoax, here we’ve checked the final box: the cuck. Now hubby goes snivelling back to wifey, wiping snot on his sleeve and begging her forgiveness for the egregious thought-crimes he committed under her roof.
My hat’s off to this delicious little troll. He’s just cranked out the weakest, most anti-intellectual piece of claptrap that’s ever been published in The Guardian. And that’s no small feat. He’s exposed the Social Justice Warriors and their ilk for the effete, close-minded, morally limp cowards we’ve always known them to be.
And, on a more personal note, he’s proven one crucial fact to me: I severely over-estimated The Guardian. I thought it would be harder to pull one over on them. But that’s all right. Hopefully, when he does unveil himself, their embarrassment will just be that much more agonising – and that much more delectable for us.
Editor’s note, November 30: Our troll has been revealed.