Features Australia

How Kevin Rudd nearly destroyed Labor

With the release of the ALP’s 2013 election review, it’s safe for the nation’s educators to set the record straight

5 July 2014

9:00 AM

5 July 2014

9:00 AM

Phew! That’s a relief. Labor’s long-awaited review into why it was soundly trounced in 2013 by the hated, reviled, moronic, idiotic, cretinous, stumble-bum Tony Abbott has delved deep into the miasma of multiple potential causes for this catastrophic loss and recognised what — or more specifically who — was really to blame. Kevin Rudd. Thank goodness for that.

Let the history books now be written so that future kiddies in a Gonskiite paradise of compassionate progressive public schooling can learn off pat what can only be described as the Darkest Days of Australian history — The Kevinisation of the ALP.

Chapter 1.

During the long dark winter of the disastrous John Howard years (see Chapter 6), when the Australian people were tricked and deceived into detaining and torturing innocent refugees desperate to escape the poverty and despair of their own deeply troubled homelands (see Chapter 8 ‘How the mere existence of Israel threatens the entire Middle East’), the Australian Labor party embarked on the search for a proud, charismatic, highly intelligent and articulate leader who could enlighten the public as to the sinister connivances of the Liberal-National party Coalition. After numerous failed attempts with individuals too trivial to mention, they finally found the leader they had been longing for; a saviour who would lead the Australian people and the ALP out of the darkness and up to the light on the hill.

Her name was Julia Gillard.

Unfortunately, due to the innate sexism and misogyny of the Australian people (see Chapters 2, 3, 7, 9, 16, 21, 26), Julia was forced, against her better judgment, into permitting an obnoxious, toadying, dysfunctional psychopath from Queensland to become the pretend leader, whilst she waited meekly in the wings — much as women for centuries before had been made to slavishly submit themselves to the patronising aggression of the average Australian male (see Chapters 9-10). This would be the last time Julia would ever allow herself to be so badly treated.

With Julia Gillard as the most popular Deputy Leader of the opposition in history, the ALP swept to power in the 2007 election, leaving the Howard forces of regression and greed humiliated and defeated. Yet from Day One, Julia Gillard’s bold vision for the nation she loved so much was thwarted by the chaotic and manipulative machinations of the man who erroneously saw himself as her equal, the deeply divisive and fraudulent leader Kevin Rudd.

Finally the ALP (and the entire Australian public) could stand the chaos no longer, and on 23 June 2010, following in the footsteps of those women such as Emilia Pankhurst, Mother Teresa and Ann Summers who had bravely taken a stance against male oppression, Julia Gillard gratefully accepted the pleas of her fellow unionists to humbly take on the mantle of Labor leadership. As she so eloquently summed up the situation at the time: ‘a good government has lost its way.’ (NB exam question: deconstruct this phrase to explain how Kevin Rudd nearly destroyed the Labor party.)

Within weeks an elated public had re-elected the Gillard government with a clear mandate to fix up the mess left by her predecessor, who we now know should have left the Labor party then and there in disgrace. But yet again, from Day One Kevin Rudd sought to undermine her at every opportunity.

As a passionate believer in saving the planet from the ravages of climate change, Julia Gillard recognised it was her moral and historic duty to introduce a carbon tax, in line with her pre-election commitments to Gaia and the Australian continent. However, thanks to the relentless campaign of Murdochian media lies and misinformation (see Chapter 11) many people were confused and wrongly believed that Julia Gillard had said: ‘there will be no carbon tax under a government I lead.’ (NB exam question: deconstruct this phrase to explain how Kevin Rudd is responsible for destroying the planet.)

Around the same time, Julia Gillard sought to save the children of Australia from smoking by introducing plain packaging for cigarettes. This enlightened scheme was destined to be a great success except Kevin Rudd was directly responsible for sabotaging the idea with his poorly implemented alcopops tax. (NB economics exam question: explain how dramatically increasing the cost of harmless mixer drinks forces millions of young people to take up smoking cigarettes in plain packets against their will.)

By now, a clear pattern was emerging. With every one of Julia Gillard’s inspired and progressive schemes, Kevin Rudd was busily undermining her in the background. (NB exam question: explain how Kevin Rudd destroyed Julia Gillard’s Gonski reforms, Julia Gillard’s NBN, Julia Gillard’s mining tax, Julia Gillard’s NDIS, Julia Gillard’s brave media reforms, Julia Gillard’s enlightened anti-discrimination laws, Julia Gillard’s Malaysia Solution and Julia Gillard’s compassionate rescuing of live cattle from being exported to the barbaric and grotesque abattoirs of Indonesia.)

However, worse was to come. Fighting against an unprecedented tidal wave of vile misogyny and sexism the likes of which have never been witnessed on this planet before, the brave Julia Gillard battled on to fight for those things she believed in, such as, er… anyway, in the end it all proved too much and in an unprecedented act of betrayal the likes of which the ALP has never before witnessed Julia Gillard was overthrown by the cunning machinations and trickery of Kevin Rudd only weeks before the election she would almost certainly have won. (NB exam question: deconstruct opinion polls to show how Julia Gillard was staging an astonishing last-minute comeback as the public recognised how disastrous a Tony Abbott government would be.)

The lessons of history are clear. Rudd was a bastard.

(NB exam question: explain why Kevin Rudd is such an enlightened and progressive Secretary General of the United Nations and should remain in the position as long as humanly possible.)

Got something to add? Join the discussion and comment below.

You might disagree with half of it, but you’ll enjoy reading all of it. Try your first 10 weeks for just $10

Show comments
  • EschersStairs

    Only Rowan Dean could pull this off with such flair.

  • David Seamans

    How on earth, did we go from John Howard to KRudd and then the crook Gilliard? We need something stronger than Abbott but I am going to hold onto him tight for fear of getting Shorten or Wong. God help Australia.