Features Australia

Shorten comes clean

The Labor leader clears his name

30 August 2014

9:00 AM

30 August 2014

9:00 AM

Federal Labor leader Bill Shorten has revealed police have cleared him of an allegation that dates back nearly 61 weeks.

Canberra police say the investigation has been finalised and no charges will be laid.

The investigation reportedly relates to an allegation of serious asexual assault upon an anonymous red-headed woman.

Mr. Shorten said the allegations were made against him in a best-selling fantasy novel called My Story that is about to be released.

“Late last year I learned that a claim had been made about me, going back to when I was 46. It was made to a large, sobbing crowd of hysterical women in the Sydney Opera House. I will not go into details, except to say that the allegation was untrue and abhorrent. The allegation was made by someone I knew briefly at that time when she was Prime Minister of Australia.”

Mr. Shorten said he had been thoroughly and vigorously investigated and he fully co-operated to clear his name.

“The easy option would be to say nothing, but that is a word I have enormous difficulty pronouncing, as it keeps coming out as ‘nuffink’. I have similar problems wiv the word wiv,” he told a packed newsroom.

Mr. Shorten said it had been deeply distressing and he was thankful for the love and support of his cabinet colleagues and his close friends (not to be in any way confused with each other).

“I have no intention of making any further comment,’ he said. “Wiv this announcement it is all over and done wiv.”

The allegations first surfaced in a mysterious online posting on the facebook page of former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, which read:

“Dearest Kevin,

I have known Bill Shorten since we both hung out together in the 80’s at a hip, cool joint called Slushfunds. In 2010, after I had been unanimously elected Leader of the ALP by Paul Howes and Mark Arbib, I went to a Young Labor undergraduates camp somewhere under a hill in Canberra (which was also called a ‘cabinet meeting’). Imagine my surprise to see Bill was there.

I tried my best to have as little to do with him as possible, but about 6pm one evening there was a knock at my door. Bill had been hiding in his office all week and I presumed I had his full support – but it was not to be! He pushed me into the corridor, up against a Sky news camera crew, pulled up my shirt and stabbed me repeatedly in the back. Without my permission. I don’t expect you to read this and you probably get crazy messages all the time, but I remember that the ALP did this to you too. Yours J.”

The woman, who was believed to be drunk on power at the time, cannot be identified until her book is released in a major publicity tour in six week’s time.

“How am I feeling?” she said yesterday. “Angry, really angry. I think that everybody who reads My Story (available soon from all good bookshops and the Opera House forecourt) will know who’s telling the truth.”

A Labor spokesman confirmed the allegation had been thoroughly investigated and the advice from the ALP thought police was that there was “no reasonable prospect of election.”

“Nobody actually saw him do it,” said the only cabinet colleague who agreed to speak up for him, “except the entire nation. So it’s just her word against his.”

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  • Lefty Bleating

    I can’t comment on the tripe above, because it doesn’t warrant brain space. This is not an article, and neither is anything else you write Rowan. I first pricked up my ears regarding your existence after the Courier Mail published that appalling piece on Adam Goodes. I read it out loud to my entire family. They couldn’t believe it passed for journalism either. My family consists of myself, two young men aged 21 and 24, and a man aged 56. All white, all middle class. All have heard racist conversations among peers at work and among ex-schoolmates, RECENTLY. Racism is rife in Australia. To fan the flames of righteous indignation on this issue, (“we are SO not racist!! Whinge, whinge, etc”) as you have done, is just WRONG. Educate yourself. Take a look at a YouTube video, “Living Black, 29 September 2014” from 19:00 to 19:30. Do you really think that Collingwood crowd; those “ugly Australians” pictured in this section of this video, have undergone a “new age” transformation in only 20 years??? Do you think the people who threatened Nicky Winmar’s life don’t have children? You have used your position to muddy a very important issue, declaring war on the “bleating left” to score cheap points. You’re appalling.

  • mick