In Competition No. 2892 you were invited to submit an irregular quatrain in which you bring together two people from the world of the arts and then add a couplet describing the consequences.
Two competitors paired Tolkien and Graham Greene, with not dissimilar results. Here’s D.A. Prince:

If J.R.R. Tolkien
Met Graham Greene
Would a hobbit’s story
Become The Power and The Glory?

And take two from Virginia Price-Evans:

Had J.R.R. Tolkien
Met Graham Greene,
The Hobbit’s lair
Might have been the end of the affair.

Other popular couplings included Wendy Cope and Alexander Pope; Salvador Dalì and Bob Marley; Horace and William Morris; and Mel Gibson and Henrik Ibsen. This one drew the crowds and the volume of witty entries made judging extremely difficult. The winners below take £8 per quatrain.

If Charlotte Brontë
had played Beatrice to Dante
might the fruit of their epic affair
have been Dante’s literary Eyre?
 
If Ogden Nash
had written songs for Johnny Cash
the lyrics might have turned out stronger
but the line Johnny walked would have been a whole lot longer.
Robert Schechter
 
If Leonardo da Vinci
Had met Maeve Binchy
The Madonna of the Rocks
Might have worn woollen socks.
 
If Elvis Presley
Had met Charles Wesley,
He might have been converted from rock’n’roll
To soul
W.J. Webster
 
If Grace Kelly
Had met George Melly,
Then her life would have been brainier,
But not rainier.
Bill Greenwell
 
If Cecil B. De Mille
Had met Benny Hill,
Would The Ten Commandments have had more
bits in ’em
With tits in ’em?
John Whitworth
 
If Edward Lear
Had met Johannes Vermeer,
He might have written ‘There was a young lady from Dearing
Who sported a lovely pearl earring…’
Rob Stuart
 
If Molière
Happened across Fred Astaire,
I have a feeling
They’d both dance on the ceiling.
Mae Scanlan
 
When Christopher Logue
Beheld Kylie Minogue
He compared her to Helen, displaying the skill he had
In recycling useful bits of the Iliad.
Sebastian Robinson
 
When Alan Ayckbourn
Collaborated with Nathaniel Hawthorne,
Critics hailed it as a red-letter day
In the history of the dysfunctional relationship play.
Chris O’Carroll
 
If Arthur Waley
Had collaborated with Bill Haley,
Would his ‘Translations from the Chinese’ have
included ‘Wok Around the Clock’?
Brian Allgar
 
Exclaimed Charles Wesley,
On meeting Elvis Presley:
‘Hark! The Herald Angels Sing:
Glory Be! I’ve met the King!’
David Silverman
 
Mark Twain
Told Craig Raine,
‘It’s true Tom Sawyer liked to roam,
But he’d always send a postcard home.’
Sylvia Fairley
 
If Edward Lear
Had met Germaine Greer,
Might the young lady from Clare
Have chased away that bear?
Hugh King
 
If Racine
Had been spotted by Hughie Green
He might have been up there
With Molière.
Noel Petty
 
If Keats and Yeats had met some time
In Hampstead, say, or Innisfree,
They might have thought their names should rhyme.
But Kates or Yeets — which would it be?
Ray Kelley
 
If Ruth Rendell
Had met Alfred Brendel
Might her villains be less sadistic
And more pianistic?
Alan Millard
 
Had Schnozzle Durante
Met the poet Dante
One supposes
They’d have compared noses.
P.C. Parrish

No 2895: eating poetry

Anthony Brode wrote ‘Breakfast with Gerard Manley Hopkins’. You are invited to describe in verse of up to 16 lines a meal — brunch, high tea, KFC — with a well-known poet, living or dead. Please email entries, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 22 April.