Rod Liddle

And now for Graham Norton’s next guest… Adolf Hitler!

16 December 2017

9:00 AM

16 December 2017

9:00 AM

Having thoroughly enjoyed Graham Norton’s recent forensic cross-examination of Hillary Clinton on BBC1, I’m thrilled that the corporation intends to use Graham for yet further heavyweight political interviews. Here’s an exclusive preview of one coming up soon:

GN: ‘Halllllllo! How lovely to see you all! I hope you’ve been behaving yourselves. [Audience titters.] Well, do we have a feast for you this evening — so let’s get started. My first guest needs no introduction. Probably the most famous man from the 20th century — ladies and gentleman, please welcome, Adolf Hitler!’ [Hitler makes his entrance, waves, shakes Graham’s hand and sits down next to him. Audience cheers wildly.]

GN: ‘It is a great pleasure to see you Adolf… is Adolf OK? Or would you prefer Mein Führer?’ [Audience titters again.]

AH: ‘Adolf is fine, ha ha.’

GN: ‘Thank you, thank you. My, you are looking well! Isn’t he looking well? [Audience claps.] And still with that very distinctive moustache! Look Adolf…’ [Graham turns away briefly and resumes his position, wearing a false toothbrush moustache.]

AH: ‘Ha ha ha!’

GN: ‘But it’s not just me — look at the audience!’ [Camera pans to the audience, all of whom are wearing false toothbrush moustaches.]

AH: ‘Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!’

GN: ‘Oooh, the trouble we go to for our special guests. But tell me, Adolf. Given all that you went through, all that you achieved, doesn’t it sometimes gall you that the one thing everybody remembers you for is that distinctive moustache, and the side parting?’

AH: ‘Do they?’

GN: ‘I think so. It’s the thing for which you are most famous. When did you first start to wear it?’

AH: ‘Oh, um, it was quite common at the time I was growing up, you see. Lots of people had them.’

GN: ‘Did they?’

AH: ‘Yes, yes. And so it sort of stuck with me. I suppose it’s a bit out of fashion now…’

GN: ‘Not at all, it looks great. Do you wax it?’

AH: ‘Only before an important occasion — addressing large crowds, meeting Mussolini and so on.’

GN: ‘Well I have to say you’ve always looked very dapper. I’ve been watching some films of you. Would you like to see one?’ [Audience cheers.]

AH: ‘Oh, really! This is going to be embarrassing!’ [Short film clip of Hitler ranting maniacally at Nuremberg. Audience cheers and applauds at the end.]

GN: ‘Ooh, what were you on, Adolf! [Audience becomes convulsed with laughter.] You always managed to get yourself quite worked up, didn’t you? Let’s move on. Now, we’re all familiar with the names of some of your underlings, the other Nazi leaders. But who was your particular favourite? I rather liked Göring, he had a certain flamboyance.’

AH: ‘Yes, he did. Perhaps a little too flamboyant for my tastes, ha ha. I rather liked Speer. But in the end, they all deserted…’

GN: ‘Speer! Yes we have a picture of him. There he is. Quite good-looking. Did you get on with Winston Churchill?’

AH: ‘Not really. I mean, we never met.’

GN: ‘Ah well. You also had a dog, didn’t you?’ [Photograph of a German Shepherd appears on the screen. Audience goes ‘Aaaaahhhhhhh.’]

AH: ‘My beloved Blondi! A fine dog, a loyal dog. Sadly she did not survive the re-animation process.’

GN: ‘Do you think you will get another dog?’

AH: ‘It’s possible. I do miss her.’

GN: ‘Could I suggest a labrador? They are terribly faithful and probably less work than a German Shepherd, now you’re older.’

AH: ‘That might be a good idea, thank you.’

GN: ‘My pleasure. Now we asked some famous people what they would like to ask you. And Tom from Kasabian wondered if anything embarrassing happened to you during the second world war!’

AH: ‘Aaah. Let me think… I once summoned Goebbels to my office and when he arrived I had completely forgotten why I wanted to see him…’

GN: ‘Ha ha ha! How did you get out of that?’

AH: ‘Ha ha ha! Do you know, I can’t remember.’ [Huge audience laughter.]

GN: ‘Ha ha ha. Michael McIntyre wanted to ask if, looking back through your life, there’s anything you think you got wrong. Anything you regret. Such as the invasion of the Soviet Union?’

AH: ‘Ah, well, Graham, what you have to understand is that they were Marxist vermin and the Slavs are sub-human untermensch.’ [Audience giggles.]

GN: ‘Now that’s more like the Adolf we know! [Audience laughs and applauds.] So, no regrets?’

AH: ‘Just one. In the end one regrets having been too benevolent.’

GN: ‘Well, indeed. Now one of the main reasons you’re here is to promote your book. Here it is. [Graham holds up a copy of Mein Kampf.] Mein Kampf… our researchers tell us that it’s about the struggles you went through, in a very real sense.’

AH: ‘Yes, that’s right.’

GN: ‘So it’s a kind of self-help book?’

AH: ‘Um… yes, yes, you could call it that.’

GN: ‘Terrific — here it is, £19.99 from all good bookshops, or you can download it onto your Kindle for only six quid! It’s been really fun having you on the show — hasn’t it? [Audience cheers and applauds.] But there’s one more thing before you go. I just love that little hand gesture you do when people shout “Sieg Heil”. There’s something quite camp about it. If I can get the whole audience to shout “Sieg Heil”, will you do that little thing with your hand?’

AH: ‘Yes, of course, I’d be delighted.’

GN: ‘Come on, then, you lot. After three…one, two, three…’ [Audience stands, arms stretched out, and shouts “Sieg Heil”. Hitler does that little gesture with his hand. Graham claps, audience laughs and cheers, Hitler chuckles.]

GN: ‘Well it’s been a real pleasure. Ladies and gentlemen, that man from the war — Adolf Hitler. [Huge applause.] Now, coming up next — Ed Sheeran. And after Ed… are you feeling a little peckish? How would you like some crispy spring rolls and lemongrass noodles? Because after Ed, Pol Pot will be here with his trusty wok…’

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