Dear customer, we are invading your privacy and sending you this unsolicited email in order to tell you that you are entitled to not get any unsolicited emails from us under new data privacy laws.

Here at Easi-Equine (…or fill in name of company you have never contacted and never wanted to have anything to do with…) we take your privacy extremely seriously and we want you to know that we would never send you any emails you didn’t want, apart from this one and the 357 previous emails we sent you which you will find in your spam box.

In order to make sure that we go on sending you only the useless information you want, we would like to invite you to read the following small print:

If you want to go on receiving annoying, unsolicited emails from us trying to sell you products and services you never wanted nor will ever want, then good news, you don’t need to do anything! We will go on hassling you, although if your email has a decent spam filter you will never see the rot we churn out in the hope you will get tired and worn down and one day click a button to buy something you don’t need from us, simply to mitigate the boredom of checking yet another email that is not from anyone you care about or who cares about you.

However, if you should decide that you would rather not receive any more useless information from us about products you don’t want, then you can unsubscribe from our services by clicking the unsubscribe button embedded in the text of this email somewhere near the bottom and perfectly visible if you have a jeweller’s magnifier with 83X magnification. Only when you do, you may end up clicking the almost identical icon next to it which will be to subscribe to even more of this shit.

We hope that you are enjoying reading this email and that you are as impressed as we are with our new data protection policy. We feel sure you will enjoy looking at another 1,500 words of guff advertising products and services you never wanted, which means you will have to scroll through the rest of this email in its entirety in order to find that tiny unsubscribe icon which we have included in here somewhere in order to grudgingly comply with the law.

But first, have you ever thought about feeding your horse turmeric? It’s the herbal supplement that is taking the equestrian world by storm! Thousands of overweight, unathletic women who cannot ride, nor even begin to understand how to take care of a horse, are turning to turmeric as the catch-all solution to all equestrian problems including excess energy. Horse moving too much when attempting to ride it at 1 mph? It’s a common problem! Does your horse have stomach ache from not being wormed? Or bruised feet from not having any shoes put on him because you believe that going barefoot is nature’s way, even though nature never intended a small horse to carry you, ten ton Tessie, down a tarmac road? Or, have you perhaps poked your horse in the eye with a Parelli training stick (only $42.60!) Then do not worry! For turmeric will take the inflammation out so quickly you will be back to hitting him over the head kindly and compassionately with a long prodding implement (member price $31.95) as fast as you can say natural horsemanship!

Alternatively, has your rescued racehorse run around its paddock with boredom until it has careered into a gate and slashed one of its legs open? Well, turmeric could be your solution! Dose your four-legged friend up with turmeric instead of calling the vet, and as well as gangrene you can thin its blood so that it will bleed to death!

But don’t take our word for it here at Easi-Equine. Ask any of your ignorant, natural remedy, anti-science, non-riding vegan friends and they will tell you they have been using turmeric for years to cure everything from mites to broken legs with almost exclusively disastrous results!

In fact, turmeric is now so popular with the militant equine tendency that horses can no longer be exported to France to make salami because they taste of curry! Yes, turmeric really is the hero herb! The all-natural, vegan alternative to common sense!

And while you’re ordering high-potency turmeric with no real idea what it might do, you might like to check out our amazing cider vinegar range! Cures arthritis, joint pain, fractures and spinal injuries — in both horses and humans!

For all products from Easi-Equine Ltd, or to find out about how you can receive more emails from other companies selling expensive nonsense you don’t need, click here.