Features Australia

Sex, lies and fake news

11 August 2018

9:00 AM

11 August 2018

9:00 AM

Working in politics teaches you one thing about Australian voters. They despise the political class although not usually their local Member of Parliament if the latter is active, hard-working and only gets staff to poop scoop after policy failures and not after their dog.

Anyone doing a vox pop at the local mall is likely to hear the dreaded words, assuming the locals can speak English, ‘politicians are all the same.’  It is like with the Montagues and Capulets – ‘a curse on both their houses.’

A distaste for politics is worn by the public as a badge of honour. Unlike Trevor Ruthenberg’s Australian defence medal, this is not a badge anyone should want to wear because a distaste for politics is a hop, skip and jump from a distaste for democracy. In reality, it is an excuse to watch Australian Ninja Warrior and to vote ‘donkey’ or independent, often the same thing.

With the Left having taken over the citadels of (un)learning and folks having become reliant on the opinion-saturated swamp of social media, how can people decide what’s true and what’s not? When it comes to devious political persuasion, the Left has got all bases covered. Here is a sample from the Left’s playbook of tricks. So onwards to save the world from Trumpery of all kinds you social warriors you.

1. Corrupt the language : Like Humpty Dumpty in Alice in Wonderland, words mean whatever you want them to mean. When Alice questions ‘whether you can make words mean so many things,’ Humpty Dumpty replies scornfully, ‘The question is which is to be master – that’s all.’ Use the term ‘alt-right’ rather than simply ‘right’ to suggest Molotov cocktails not tequilas. If you can’t get any Molos, try dumpster diving for Novichok in the vicinity of Porton Down. Sorry, I meant to say Moscow. Any oppositional conservative opinion should be denounced as racist, transphobic, fascist, anti-terrorism and racist again. Don’t use xenophobic as no one knows what it means and could think it has something to do with Nick Xenophon.

2. Play the man/woman/LGBTQIetc: You can demonstrate your commitment to diversity by attacking anyone who disagrees with you as long as they are conservative. This is trickier when they are from a minority group. You can slag them off anyway even if non-white by calling them ‘Uncle Toms.’ Millenials will think Uncle Tom is a relative unless they google.

It is generally safer to attack whites because, quite frankly, they deserve it what with all that colonising back in the day. Try approaching anyone who has ever supplied them with bread, milk, sausages, screwdrivers to see if they have any gripes, real or imagined. Don’t allow any time for them to disprove specious claims.

3.Fight free speech with fire: If your opponents hold a public talk or so much as open a lemonade stand, gather in numbers, stop them talking or even attending, and take away their lemonade.

If you can find some willing comrades sitting in the big chairs, discourage opponents from appearing in public again by ordering the police force to invoice them for your shenanigans calculated to scare the police horses.

Give free speech awards to token members of minority groups who are offended by free speech and ensure that human rights institutions target anyone who wants equality for all.

4.Find a sex scandal or make one up: You can buy a made-up dossier from a superannuated spy to produce lascivious details about your opponent’s imagined sex-life. Your favourite media channels can be relied on to give prominence to any woman claiming an affair.

If it is your own hubby being unfaithful, pledge to stand by your man without being at all Tammy Wynette-ish (no offence really Tammy) on national TV. Epithets for ‘the other woman’ in this event – ‘money-grubber’ (not looking in the mirror or anything), ‘fame-chaser’ and if applicable, ‘some failed cabaret singer who doesn’t have much of a resume to fall back on.’

Show your creativity. Fake news is the only news that counts.

5.Lie often and convincingly: As we of the Left have demonstrated again and again at the ballot box, you can’t keep a good lie down. As the sign outside my local butcher’s put it recently although I can’t say how it relates to pork ribs and chicken Kievs – maybe it is to do with provenance, ‘A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.’

This is because the truth is rarely simple and doesn’t sound good in a ten second sound byte.

Here’s an example. You accuse the government of cutting the health system in robocalls to fearful invalids when they are only outsourcing some admin or you say they are cutting education when they are putting in loads more dosh. As the Renaissance statesman, Francesco Guicciardini, put it and I paraphrase because my copy is in storage, if you keep on repeating a lie, even though people actually know it is a lie, you can convince them to doubt themselves through the force of repetition and the hope you will just shut up.


6Assume moral superiority. This is quite easy to do if you can keep a straight face and suffer from historical amnesia. Rationalise the irrational by appealing to people to have a heart.

This is not meant to be literal. Of course, everyone has a heart.When you say this you are telling people not to think. If they do not agree with you, they are revealed as horrible, heartless and no doubt alt right like that awful Lauren Southern or the Milo chap.

On the subject of illegal migration, Mrs Obama has done it, and Angela Merkel in opening the floodgates from Africa, Asia, the Middle East, Croatia and so on. Social justice is another winner.

Who could reject justice, social or otherwise?

To the barricades, comrades.

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