Flat White

Why can’t Australian politics produce a Cicciolina?

9 April 2019

7:51 AM

9 April 2019

7:51 AM

The lead-up to the election? A third-rate circus.

I mean, what would Italian politician and porn star Ilona Staller (aka ‘Cicciolina’) think of all of this po-faced, neo-puritanical nonsense that is the fabric of Australian politics?

Would she put her naked norks behind ScoMo or Shorten? Or would she just throw her arms up in disbelief at the beigeness of our politics and the lead-up to the poll?

Cicciolina was the most colourful character to ever grace world politics. She was elected to the Italian parliament for a four-year term. She campaigned partially nude and continued to star in hardcore pornographic films while serving as an MP. That’s some Xena plus awesomeness and bravery right there.

And let’s not forget, prior to the First Gulf War in the early nineties, Cicciolina offered to fuck Saddam Hussein if it were to bring harmony and peace to the region. Her gracious offer was again repeated during the Second Gulf War – with her later extending some ‘viva la vulva’ to none other than Osama Bin Laden, as well.

What will ScoMo and Shorten do to win votes? Are they prepared to lose their threads and show some patriotism?

More than ever, our political landscape needs an Aussie Cicciolina. Rather than the burka (which a one-nation leader donned), she could wear BDSM gear in the Senate. Just think how exciting the ‘How to Vote’ card would look.

When sworn in by the Governor General rather than swearing on the bible she could pull out a copy of The 120 Days of Sodom by the Marquis de Sade and place her hand on the cover swearing allegiance to debauchery and sin.

And surely … SURELY … she would be ordained the Minister for Public Affairs.

Political discourse in this country has become all about being offended.

How about a sensory overload of “How’s this for offensive” that not even Cicciolina’s sometime husband and artist Jeff Koons – he of the Michael Jackson and Bubbles in porcelain and so much more – could capture.

An Aussie ‘Cicciolina’ would receive my vote over the Bills and Scott’s of the world.

Would she receive yours?

If so, let’s find the lucky lady and put “One” in her box.

Vanessa de Largie is a freelance journalist, sex columnist and public speaker who divides her time between London and Melbourne. You can find more of her work here.

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