Most people don’t know this, but in a previous life my fame was legendary. As Gypsy Geraldina, queen of the fortune tellers, I astounded people with the accuracy of my predictions. The mighty heard my words and quaked in fear; such was my power as a seer ‘speaking truth to power’ – a bit like modern day op-ed writers for the New York Times or feminist presenters of MSNBC programs, really.
It is entirely in that spirit of self-fulfilling self-delusion that I have decided to channel my inner spectral ancestor for a look into the year 2020. Why should modern-day celebrity fortune tellers like John Edward and Tyler Henry be the only ones laughing up their sleeves?
I have utilised a gamut of ancient, but surprisingly woke, practices of divination so you’ll know what to expect of the coming year. What follows is the result of exhaustive poking amongst the Christmas turkey gizzards, looking deep into my crystal ball, reading the tea leaves, checking the astral plane and speaking to the spirits of those who have passed over. Read and be afraid.
You’ll be shocked to learn that feminist and LGBTQ+ celebrities, authors, sportspeople and ‘social commentators’ will take to the Twittersphere with their favoured brand of ‘F**k you!’ gusto to lecture and hector the unwoke plebs – all in the name of inclusion and diversity, of course.
Twitter will be their favoured method of communicating with their fans because they can prove just how ‘impassioned’ they are by the number of foul-mouthed or insultingly vulgar epithets they can throw in the direction of detractors in just 280 characters. They’ll also relish the fact that a Twitter rant doesn’t require reasoned debate or allow for nuance. But only until one of their poisonous pronouncements doesn’t go down so well, when they’ll decry this very limitation for the fact that their words ‘may have been misinterpreted’. They’ll continue to have their bile and spew it, too.
I know this one is really a stretch of credibility but I ask you to stay with me on this because my spirit guide is never wrong. I can’t quite make out the name of the person involved (the voices of those on the other side can be annoyingly muffled) but my bold prophecy is that a prominent rugby league footballer will be involved in a sex/drink/drugs controversy.
The sportsman, accompanied by his minders, will hold a media conference where he will deliver an emotional, prepared–statement apology for any harm or embarrassment he may have caused – but not actually for his appalling behaviour. He will then take extended leave to seek help for the ‘mental health issues’ that caused his ‘temporary and out of character lapse of judgement’. His club will support him through his trying time and we’ll be asked to believe that he’s just a victim of circumstance, fame, Twitter or (insert your own excuse here) rather than a pampered, self-absorbed, still adolescent dimwit who would benefit from the rigours of a real job.
The turkey gizzards have spoken and I predict that most of those Disney+ watchers who’ve just cancelled their subscriptions because the first season of The Mandalorian has concluded will be back in droves for the cuteness factor of Baby Yoda – all except those who realise in absentia that watching the Star Wars spinoff is about as exciting as waiting for an avocado to ripen. Hordes of women who blithely murder their own babies will continue to go gaga over the wide-eyed, big-eared imp while insisting that their adulation has nothing to do with maternal urges because clearly there’s no such thing in 2020.
More literary classics will be given an inclusive and diverse re-write for big or small screen adaptations. Heroes will become feisty heroines, key white figures will be presented as black, Asian or minority ethnic (BAME) characters, even when their presence would have been impossible in the time or place setting of the original story. The tea leaves tell me that key themes will all be reduced to a narrow range of feminist, climate emergency and social justice tropes and the guy certainly won’t get the girl in the end, assuming you’ll be able to tell one from the other. When audiences stay away in droves and profit figures are down failure will be sheeted home to the white capitalist patriarchy.
Even though I’ve been experiencing some minor technical difficulties with my crystal ball I am confident in my prediction that universities and colleges around the world will ramp up their woke creds with more inclusive actions like banning ‘controversial’ conservative speakers and insisting on jazz hands rather than clapping at university events. They will add even more courses in queer, intersectional and feminist history and ethics while they tear down more statues of historical figures that may cause discomfort for marginalized students. I am also seeing that more students will emerge from their academic safe spaces having learned nothing of any consequence and unable to face the realities of life, all of which will be the fault of the patriarchy. This could, of course, just mean that my crystal ball needs a good polish, but time will tell.
A spate of natural disasters will happen throughout the world. Droughts, floods, cyclones, fires, tornadoes and earthquakes will all be reported as the dire consequences of the climate emergency which can only be addressed by stopping all production of coal-fired energy in the developed world and pouring billions of dollars into unreliable renewables. This will, of course, not apply to China or India.
The horoscopes of several key celebrity climate activists also show that they will continue to attend climate emergency summits and Extinction Rebellion protests, even if they are reluctantly forced to use their private jets to do so. This will not stop them from lecturing the rest of us about how we can change our lifestyles to reduce our impacts on the environment.
My recent experiments in augury indicate that further outbreaks of the increasingly virulent Trump Derangement Syndrome will be observed throughout the United States, chiefly among celebrities, actors and the MSM commentariat, reaching a peak around the 2020 presidential election.
The secretly suggestive migratory patterns of birds and animals demonstrate that this will be accompanied by last gasp cases of Brexit Derangement Syndrome in Britain, also curiously strongest in populations of has-been actors, BBC presenters and Guardian columnists. Try as I might, I was unable to identify any migratory patterns at all among those who threatened to leave the USA for the socialist paradise of Canada or the UK for life under New Zealand’s hip, young feminist Prime Minister.
Happy New Year.
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