Latham's Law

Latham’s law

17 July 2020

11:00 PM

17 July 2020

11:00 PM

In the Cancel Culture Revolution now under way, the role of woke corporations continues to defy rational belief. Even the sharpest of political analysts are struggling to explain the strange newfound unity-ticket between big business and so-called ‘progressive causes’.It is commonly thought the Left has captured a cadre of corporate executives and brainwashed them in support of wacko stuff like renewable energy, identity politics, gender fluidity, Black Lives Matter and pulling down statues that hitherto had only attracted the interest of pigeons.

But what if the opposite is true? That corporations are using Leftist causes for their own purposes, as a useful distraction from the exploitation of workers and customers? Put yourself in the shoes of a banking executive. For years your company has been ripping off its customers, even those that are dead.The unions were always demanding pay increases and objecting to job losses as the bank automated its services. Occasionally, a Federal MP, a Green or someone from the Labor Left, would suggest re-regulating the financial sector or worse, in terms of profitability, increasing market competition. You’re living in a beautiful harbourside house with a yacht moored at a Hawkesbury River inlet and another at Rose Bay. These are glorious weekend getaways but still, it’s annoying to be named in the Banking Royal Commission and for MPs and union reps to be talking about ‘monopoly capital’ and ‘greedy capitalists’. Goodness, someone might even mention it at a Point Piper dinner party one night. You are looking for a solution to this reputational conundrum.

Here at The Spectator Australia Neil Brown Centre for Shamelessly Cynical and Opportunistic Corporate Advice, we have reconstructed the internal memo guiding the banker’s new strategy. It reads like this: Clearly the smart thing to do is adopt a couple of the tokenistic causes of the Left, to get them off our back, while continuing to rip off our customers and employees. If we do it well enough, we could become media darlings. Wouldn’t that be a turn around?

A spin-doctor’s delight, and it seems eminently possible.

For some strange reason, the Left appears to have lost genuine interest in class struggle. They used to talk about toppling capitalism but now the only thing they are trying to pull down are a couple of statues up the road in Hyde Park. What a pack of fools. Here we are making a squillion dollars a year by exploiting the public, so how good is it that the lefties don’t seem to notice anymore? They have moved on to a new set of ‘problems’ (LOL) like Coon Cheese, who moves first at chess and boycotting JK Rowling.

When was the last time an Australian trade union went on strike? These people have lost interest in industrial muscle and worker gains; they are totally obsessed with race, gender and sexuality.

To ‘soften our image’ and look sympathetic to this agenda, it’s pretty straightforward: just do a few symbolic things with little impact on our mega profits and executive salaries.

Sourcing the bank’s office lighting plan from renewables is a harmless place to start. The electricity has got to come from somewhere, so why not the imagery of saving the planet?

We could also sponsor a koala habitat or two, with the PR people setting up some nice cuddly shots.

As for the unions, their soft underbelly is feminism. Someone like Sally McManus is supposed to be a socialist, but if we tell her the bank has introduced gender employment quotas she’ll forget about any radical stuff and start supporting us.

A few more women around the place won’t matter, as eventually they’ll be restructured out anyway.

We can also set up a Diversity and Inclusion Unit – DNI they call it. This means 0.1 per cent of our staff will be working on this diversity BS, making the Left very happy, while the other 99.9 per cent will still be on basic bank wages stealing money from dead people. How good is that!

To buy off the poncy academics and also the Human Rights Commission, our DNI unit could commission Tim Bowl-of-Soup (I can never spell his real name) to do a report on the need for more Asian bank tellers. It might actually help, as Chinese are supposed to be good at maths.

As for our advertising budget, the Lefties seem to hate Alan Jones in particular. Now he’s on Sky News, let’s do the same thing we did at 2GB: jump in as a new advertiser, wait for some confected outrage about something he says (driven by those fruitcakes, Mad Witches/Sleeping Giants, you know, the 20 Lefties with multiple Twitter accounts) and then cancel our Sky advertising to make us look virtuous.

And the same for Pauline Hanson next time she bobs up on breakfast TV. Why would free speech matter to us? You can’t make money out of it (it’s free, after all).

What a strategy. Let’s do it! And then get back to what we do best: the joy of worry-free sailing on Sunday.

Wonder no more about this unusual phenomenon. The new corporate wokeness is driven by the oldest of corporate motivations, something Adam Smith identified 250 years ago: self-interest.

It’s a perfect business plan: Play the Australian Left as useful idiots (as Lenin so aptly described them), distract the political system with vacuous virtue-signalling and laugh, non-stop, all the way to the bank.

Got something to add? Join the discussion and comment below.

You might disagree with half of it, but you’ll enjoy reading all of it. Try your first 10 weeks for just $10

Show comments