Flat White

Cricket Australia talks balls

17 November 2020

1:00 PM

17 November 2020

1:00 PM

Australian cricketers proudly announced yesterday that they will begin every game this summer with a barefoot circle ceremony that will not improve even one Aboriginal person’s life.

A Cricket Australia wokesperson said the empty gesture would serve to signal the team’s commitment to demonstrating their intention to doing something that would do nothing to change anything for anybody in Australia.

“We can probably put our hands up and say we haven’t done enough virtue signalling in the past, but we believe standing barefoot in a circle will go a long way toward rectifying this,” he said.

“In Australia, we think the most marginalised group is the First Nations people and we think the barefoot circle is a great way to celebrate them because a lot of them got around barefoot before white colonisers oppressed them with shoes. Or something.”

The wokesperson denied the ceremony was a chance for umpires to check whether Australian cricketers were hiding sandpaper between their toes.

“We are very sincere about our desire to tackle a serious issue like racism by reducing it to a pantomime,” he said.

“And besides, I think everyone knows we hide sandpaper down our pants. But the bare butt circle ceremony is not something the players were keen on doing.”

It is believed members of the Australian cricket team agreed to participate in the gesture against racism after a team meeting to brainstorm new sledges to be used against the touring Indian squad finished early due to an overwhelming number of suggestions.

“This was a player-led initiative,” the Cricket Australia wokesperson said, “And after we explained that dissenters would be outed as racists and made to field at silly mid-on for the entire series against India, the players unanimously agreed to participate.”

He said the players’ commitment to popular social justice causes would extend further than wandering around the MCG barefoot to end racism.

The barefoot warriors would also remove their shirts in acknowledgment of climate change and moo like cows to protest the live cattle export trade.

They would remain in the circle formation before each game for exactly 153 seconds to draw attention to the 153 countries in which tampons attract a Goods and Services Tax that unfairly penalises people who have menstruate.

All of this would be followed by a rousing rendition of John Lennon’s Imagine which players had agreed should be substituted for the racist national anthem because “feels”.

The players would continue to wear their traditional cricketing “whites” but they would be called “off whites” to signal there was something “a bit off” about white people.

“They may not win a Test match but this will be the most tokenistic team to ever represent Australia and we’re very proud of that,” the wokesperson said.

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