Flat White

Our Aussie contenders for the 2022 Oscars in full

30 April 2021

2:48 PM

30 April 2021

2:48 PM

It’s Academy Award time and the votes are in for best female black actor in a male Latino role.  

Meanwhile in the multiplex, chilled by overpriced choc-tops and watching Godzilla versus Kong for the third time, I’m wondering if cinema can ever get better, if by better you mean longer. I don’t want to go all Margaret and David re-enacting the playing chess with Death scene out of The Seventh Seal — with David cast as Death. But why can’t Australia make films like this? But then again watching these AACTA nee AFI Awards classics, maybe we can. 

Hey, Hey versus Q&A

A film about finding your true identity by quitting your career as an improbably attractive LA prostitute and marrying Richard Gere. Is Q&A the Hey, Hey of the ABC and is Hamish Macdonald the Daryl Somers of left wing agitprop? Like ‘Zilla v Kong it’s the duality of life. Too nice, too kind and too bland for his audience of feral Greens and rehabilitated terrorists who want to help build a better Australia and with a show tanking in the ratings, Hamish is as mad as hell and isn’t going to take it anymore unless you ask him politely and recycle. Spoiler Alert – Ossie Ostrich’s Tarantino-inspired massacre scene at the old Bendigo Street studio with backing track by Kamahl.  

Scores versus Twerks

Antipodean Don Quixote Kevin fights the greatest moral challenges of our times and for the honour of dance troupe 101 Doll Squadron who have been wrongly accused of twerking by the evil Daily Tele during the Welcome to Kings Cross for HMAS Supply.  

Highly intelligent and speaking fluent television our hero knows his twerking better than any former prime minister since Bob Hawke (or maybe John Howard when he used to drink with Billy Snedden) having visited the New York’s Scores nightclub but only for the articles. A physically demanding role, Kev gets thrown out of the club after refusing to tip the dancers because he says he’s a fiscal conservative. Oscar nominated scene: Kev tells the gyrating pole dancer laughing at him (Meryl Streep reprising Margaret Thatcher during the sink the Belgrano scene), ‘I am going to be the next prime minister of Australia.’  

Dumb and Dumber (Mensa-edition)


Inspired casting with self-declared smartest-men-in-the-room (but only by Australian standards) Kev and Malcolm playing a couple of retired old irrelevant codgers who the ABC keep interviewing because they’re on autodial. A buddy movie for when you don’t have any buddies, this elderly and verbally incontinent loveable duo prattle on about Rupert and how they only lost their jobs because of a Newscorp media conspiracy and not because their parliamentary colleagues hated their guts. Blooper reel: Kev calls everyone a rat fucker when he can’t get his hair dryer to work and Malcolm tries to fit into Tony’s CCP red budgie smugglers only to realize they’re too small for him due to the proletarian inadequacies of Made in China garment sizing. 

Christine and the suffragettes

A sort of Nomadland for permanently homeless CEOs who have to stay at the Hyatt, but without the aimlessness and letterboxes. Christine appears before a Senate Committee and re-enacts the famous Meryl Streep Deer Hunter Russian roulette scene but accidently shoots the rest of the cast because she has the gun around the wrong way. Five Stars from LaTingle and Murpharoo because (check notes) ‘nothing says victim like being the head of an iconic national corporation earning 1.5 million per year and saying patriarchy a lot’. Celebrity Style tip: always wear an expensive white pantsuit so you look like one of those early twentieth century suffragettes who chained themselves to the front of Cartier stores demanding the right to wear Prada.  

Tesla

Remake of Duel, Spielberg’s stoner classic about an environmentally aware monster truck that runs petrol-guzzling cars off the road. Now set in Double Bay where they made the original Mad Max, a killer self-driving electric car is running over its wealthy inner city drivers who are too stupid to realize what is going on and keep standing in front of the car to check the bonnet.  Promotional tag: ‘50 per cent of all new cars sold in Australia to be electric by 2030’.  

Belt and road initiative

More sleaze from the makers of the 50 shades of Gray franchise. Our protagonist Dan (a young Kevin Rudd channelling Meryl Streep and maybe a brooding Marlon Brando) awaits his spanking from the sanctioned Chinese communist party dominatrix (a young Russell Crowe in latex) after she realises he’s been using rechargeable batteries in the paddling machine and forgot to tell the Biden Administration. Spoiler Alert: you may think the relationship is over, but it isn’t. 

Joe versus Kamala

A ‘Zilla v Kong reheat for gay Fox News subscribers who can’t take their eyes off CNN’s Don Lemon and don’t have the time to jerk off over a desk at Parliament House. Take a flame spewing, laser eyed monster that will say just about anything to replace you, crawling out of the California political swamp and line her up against an iconic piece of American cheesecake that fell off the Empire State building sometime back in 1933. What could possibly go wrong? Except for the inappropriate touching and hair sniffing?  

Just like the original there’s even an ice inhaling, addict son with a laptop and way too much money which Twitter says didn’t really happen like that missing Bobby year in Dallas or was that the 1976 remake with Jessica Lange? Forrest Gump moment: ‘Life is like a box of chocolates…. or a crack pipe…. or a hooker. How do you say, ‘don’t you know I’m Joe Biden’s son’ in Russian?’  

Milkshake

A film about consent made by an industry that often gets characterized in date movies like Promising Young Woman (4 stars). Made on a budget of $3.8 million, which is what Tom Cruise gets paid for doing a 30-second ad for Cartier or how much fake Scores Dollars Kev has left after not tipping anybody. Popular with the Sploshing community who believe not enough sploshers are depicted in movies. Form Guide: is expected to sweep the independent awards field at Sundance if Robert Redford doesn’t get CoVid or accidently chats with David Stratton. 

Michael Scammell would like to thank the Academy.  

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