Flat White

How to win the Ashes using cancel culture

8 June 2021

4:06 PM

8 June 2021

4:06 PM

The suspension of English cricketer Ollie Robinson for poor form – not on the field but on Twitter — should fill Australians with hope that we can win this year’s Ashes series, regardless of how our players perform. 

Thanks to cancel culture, our opponents can be easily dismissed without a single ball being bowled.

We don’t need fast bowler Pat Cummins to take a wicket or spinner Nathan Lyon to even roll his arm over when the English team tours.

Cricket’s ultimate prize can be won by a non-athletic social justice warrior hiding in the musty darkness of the MCG (Mother’s car garage) from which he trawls through the Poms’ social media archives.  

A bit of offence archaeology is much easier than hitting boundaries or taking wickets, and far more effective.

Clean bowl an English player and he’s out for an innings. Find a questionable tweet from ten years ago and you’ve dismissed him for the entire series.

This is exactly how English debutant Ollie Robinson has been sent packing from the current Test series against New Zealand.


While 27-year-old Robinson was busy collecting seven wickets on debut at Lords against the Kiwis this week, a woke warrior was busy collecting tweets from when Robinson was a teenager. 

Back in 2012, he made a joke about Muslims and a joke about Asians. There was a tweet using the ‘n’ word. And there was an observation that “females who play video games actually tend to have more sex”.

Thank you woke folk for pointing out that before Robinson was an international cricketer, he was an immature teenager. Cue outrage!

The woke police – who can neither bat nor bowl, but who are pretty handy with a Google search and a stern look — screamed “howzat?”, and Robinson was immediately suspended by the England and Wales Cricket Board.

He’s a great cricketer but, you know, views.

That the everythingphobic tweets surfaced during a test match that began with the ECB lining up its players dressed in t-shirts bearing slogans rejecting various forms of discrimination did not help.

And so, Robinson’s cricketing deeds – he took 7/101 with the ball and made 42 with the bat — were declared irrelevant.

The scorecard will forever read:Robinson caught Twitter bowled Wokestapo for almost nought”.

As a result, England will now play the second and deciding test against New Zealand without their talented all-rounder who is now being “educated”, as they like to say.

Well, the whole cricketing world has been educated. We’ve learned that beating the Poms at cricket requires neither runs, nor wickets. Why bowl when you can troll?

If we simply find something their players said as teenagers that offends current sensibilities, they will enthusiastically dismiss themselves.

The Ashes are as good as ours.

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