Flat White

‘Sweaty men have touched that ball’: South Australia’s special corona craziness

3 June 2021

5:00 PM

3 June 2021

5:00 PM

Every cloud has a silver lining, and corona craziness is providing a unique insight into how the nawabs of nannying, our public health heads, really think — and the parallel universes they inhabit.

South Australia is in uproar ahead of the match at Adelaide Oval on Saturday between their beloved Crows and those visitors from the plague pit, Collingwood, with the fires fanned by the pronouncements of chief public health officer Nicola Spurrier, she of the pizza box strain of coronavirus fame.

“We’re looking at the seating at the moment and of course we’re looking at the ball, because sometimes the ball, not that I’ve been to many football games, but I have noticed occasionally it does get kicked into the crowd,” Spurrier said yesterday.

“We are working through the details of what that will mean.”

“Working through the details of what that will mean.” You can just imagine the squads of public health bureaucrats sitting there with their almond milk chai lattes like the horde of monkeys trying to type Hamlet — but we digress.

“If you are at Adelaide Oval and the ball comes towards you, my advice to you is to duck and just do not touch that ball,” Spurrier continued.

After Spurrier was laughed off the ground, her deputy Emily Kirkpatrick told local ABC this morning her boss’ remarks had been “taken out of context”.

But her advice on the ball?

“What we do advise is that you do throw it back in … and give your hands a hand sanitise,” Kirkpatrick offered.

“It’s a very low risk for the SA public because we have all these measures in place.”

That, presumably, is a reference to South Australia not having had convicts or something similar that warms South Australian hearts, as it’s impossible to relate any of this to coronavirus.

And, anyway, Spurrier herself came back again today with another magnificent contribution: “Regardless of Covid, this ball has been touched by many sweaty men on the field. Sanitise your hands before you start eating your chips.”

“Sweaty men.” That was probably the real problem for these overpaid loons all along.

PS: Spurrier or Kirkpatrick will probably be out tomorrow saying the chips comment doesn’t mean that they’re healthy and that adults should limit themselves to no more than 45 centimetres worth of chips per week and children 20.

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