Faster than a Pride Parade. More powerful than a social justice warrior. Able to leap all 72 genders in a single bound. Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superwoke!
That’s right, 83 years after the first Superman comic was published, the Man of Steel has finally come out of the phone box.
DC Comics used International Coming Out Day – yes that’s a thing — to announce that the new Superman is bisexual. Well of course.
In a move that will be kryptonite to fans, DC Comics decided to leverage the LGBTQ community’s big day in order to give their current Superman series a good old fashioned publicity boost.
They announced on Monday that the new Superman, who is the son of Clark Kent and Lois Lane, will have a romantic relationship with a — well — very special male friend.
When he is not fighting fires caused by climate change or protesting the deportation of refugees, the new Superman will be kissing bros.
“The idea of replacing Clark Kent with another straight white saviour felt like a missed opportunity,” Tom Taylor, who writes the series, told media.
Why should Taylor want to miss an opportunity to watch comic book sales decline as DC Comics spiral into wokeruptcy?
So it was determined that the new Superman would swing both ways. That was the creative team’s big idea.
The DC writers may well be the least creative creatives in the history of the entertainment industry. Imagine how it all went down when Taylor and his writers brainstormed the new series …
“Ok team, we need a new storyline for Superman”
“What if we get him fighting wokey causes instead of fighting evil?”
“We did that already”
“What if we get him kissing boys instead of kissing girls?”
So on Monday — while President Joe Biden was committing himself to fighting for LGBTQ rights — Superman was committing himself to a same-sex relationship with a dude called Jay.
“Adventures of Superman” now takes on a whole new meaning.
The next comic book issue, hitting shelves on November 9, features a Super gay kiss. I won’t be buying it. But I will probably purchase the December issue, just to find out who tells Supergirl.
Meanwhile, poor old Wonder Woman must be wondering if she will ever find a DC Comics or Marvel man who isn’t a caped gay crusader.
Marvel announced earlier this year that Captain America was homosexual. Aqua Man came out as gay ages ago. And back in August, the latest Robin in the Batman comics revealed he was bisexual. We are still waiting for word on Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men.
Anyway, it can only be a matter of time before Wonder Woman dives into deep depression and buys a dozen cats for company.
Tom Taylor enthused: “Today, more people can see themselves in the most powerful superhero in comics.”
But can they really?
If DC Comics was serious about inclusion, they would have renamed the character Superperson with pronouns he/ro.
But why stop there? Surely “super” is a discriminating term.
“Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a Marginally-Above-Average Person!”
LGBTQ proponents dismissed criticism of bisexual Superman, explaining that superhero stories have always come with sexual subtexts.
While that may be true, you could watch Batman without reading gay undertones into it. You didn’t sexualise Batman unless you wanted to.
And while some people saw Wonder Woman as having a lesbian S&M subtext, plenty of other people just saw a feisty chick with a lasso.
Modern superheroes offer no choice in the matter. The characters’ sexualisation is baked in, and it targets kids.
It might not be popular to say, but Clark and Lois typically don’t want their kids to be kissing members of both sexes.
Still, credit where credit is due. The new storyline certainly reflects the times in which we live.
China is threatening Taiwan. North Korea is developing nuclear weapons. Russia is controlling Europe’s energy supply. The Taliban is running riot. Lebanon has descended into darkness. And the American President doesn’t know where he is.
If ever the world must look to its superheroes for saving, it is now.
And so it’s Superman to the rescue … possibly. If he gets around to it. You need to understand he’s working through some heavy-duty identity issues right now. And these things take a lot of soul-searching and introspection. It could be years.
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