Flat White

Bread and games everybody, bread and games!

20 January 2022

4:00 AM

20 January 2022

4:00 AM

Australia is set to achieve 180 per cent vaccination now that the evil Novak Djokovic is out of the way.

Djokovic, an anti-vax evangelist posing as the world’s Number One tennis player, snuck into the country last week in a bid to spread non-approved views.

He had planned to hijack the Australian Open and use our premier sporting event as a platform from which to infect the minds of Australians with naughty ideas.

And he almost got away with it.

The sinister Serb’s deadly attack was only thwarted when a fast-thinking government took almost a week to come up with the greatest topspin lob since Ken Rosewell – playing without a Covid jab – won our Grand Slam back in 1972.

The government argued that the unvaccinated Djokovic’s mere ‘presence in Australia may foster anti-vaccination sentiment’ and ‘reinforce views’!

You know, like some of the government’s own MPs!

Cue scary music…


It was unclear how removing Djokovic from the country, when Australians already knew his ‘views’, would stop citizens becoming victims of his deadly wrong-think.

Did the government imagine that if Djokovic had been allowed to stay, unsuspecting tennis fans would lose their vaccine efficacy every time he hit a forehand winner?

Thud! A dozen spectators just became unvaccinated.

Whack! Fifty more just questioned the science.

Smash! A million people watching at home decided to attend a freedom march.

That our government was so terrified of a single tennis player showed just how dangerous Djokovic was; and how little faith the government had in the popularity of mandatory vaccines.

Of course, our Prime Minister had already assured us that vaccination was not mandatory. So, the real problem seemed to be that Djokovic might persuade people to use discretion on a decision the PM had insisted was discretionary. And we couldn’t have that, otherwise people might start thinking vaccination was not mandatory.

Fortunately, our Courts agreed that the government had the power to do whatever it wanted to do to anyone that it didn’t like. Though why we needed the Federal Court of Australia to say what peacefully protesting Melbournians, still sporting bruises from police-issue rubber bullets, could have told us is anyone’s guess.

With The Serbinator expelled from the country, and so unable to spread anti-vax sentiment, our police can now get back to arresting pregnant women for unapproved Facebook posts and dragging grandmothers away for not revealing their vaccination status. You know, to calm sentiment.

Meanwhile, citizens are safe from the corrupting influence of The Joker and free to enjoy the Omicron spread, health system chaos, empty supermarket shelves, and threats of unemployment if they fail to get a booster shot (or five).

Prime Minister Scott Morrison, who insisted ‘rules are rules’ before kicking Djokovic out of the country because he didn’t like the tennis player’s vibe, celebrated by declaring: ‘It’s now time to get on with the Australian Open and get back to enjoying the tennis over summer.’

Which, translated, meant: ‘Bread and games everybody, bread and games!’

With the dangerous Novak Djokovic on a plane to someplace earlier this week, Tennis Australia was finally able to get on with running the sporting event for which we are now known around the world … The Australian Fully-Vaccinated, Socially Distanced and With Government Approved Views Open.

You can follow James on Twitter. You can order his new book Notes from Woketopia here.

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