It’s not cruel to shout at dogs
‘Missing Dog, Please Do Not Call, Chase or Try To Grab Her!! She Will Run!!’ This notice, featuring the face…
Chump or champ? Why Ben Wallace could be the next PM
Defence Secretary Ben Wallace is on manoeuvres
An extraordinary fracas at the vet
After rushing our little spaniel to the veterinary hospital on the usual bank holiday emergency basis upon which all animals…
Why I won’t be following the new equine vaccine regime
When the vet had finished giving my horses their annual flu boosters, she reminded me the vaccination regime had changed.…
Bring back Nancy
The bank was having Transgender Visibility Day when I popped in to deposit some cash.The stressed-looking customers, meanwhile, seemed mostly…
Would my godson survive an afternoon with me?
My friend Emily, who once got an owl stuck to her hand, was bringing her son for a day with…
Covid has given me a superpower
Since recovering from Covid, I seem to have quietly been developing supernatural powers. At first I thought I had simply…
Is ours the oddest high street in the land?
The window of the new shop was as brightly coloured as a circus entrance, and stuffed full of items bearing…
I stink at virtue signalling
The lodger looked at me blankly and pronounced wearily, as though intoning something he was tired of parroting, that I…
The surreal purgatory of A&E
‘This is my father, and his pronoun is he,’ said the builder boyfriend, checking his dad into Accident and Emergency.…
The politics of trees
Trees glorious trees. People can’t get enough of them. They don’t want to take care of trees, they just want…
Every village needs a kebab shop
‘A diary?’ said the lady in the chintzy gift shop, pronouncing the word very much as Edith Evans said ‘handbag’…
Insurance is like a toxic love affair
‘Do you have any questions?’ said the man at the insurance company after an hour of me trying to take…
I’m stuck in Surrey, get me outta here!
After most of Islington moved to Wales, it was foolish of me to think about following. But the need to…
Beware your car’s onboard computer
After an incredible 13 emails, Vodafone decided that I was who I was claiming to be, and refunded my money.…
My Orwellian battle with Vodafone
After launching an investigation into my missing phone, Vodafone informed me it could not deal with me any further until…
The tyranny of the smart phone
‘Can I ask you why you don’t want a smart phone?’ said the chirpy manager, as I stood blinking in…
Surrey’s vegan wars
One of the village vegans gave the bacon sandwich resting on top of the recycling bin outside my house an…
Real life
Last night I dreamt I went on holiday again. It seemed to me I stood by the departure gate, and…
Am I being impersonated by an actor from Colorado or a mining company?
Someone else with my name is wreaking havoc with my attempts to control the Twitter account I don’t want. Obviously,…
Why I prefer to rely on natural immunity
‘Did you hear it?’ said a friend of mine, red-faced with the flush of a piece of news she couldn’t…
My battle of the bulb
The streetlighting engineer walked up and down outside my house trying to work out who was right: me, or my…
There is a new and deadly threat to the countryside
Surprise, surprise. The person who had the shield taken out of the street light so it shone back into my…
Is there such a thing as a human right to night?
The street lamp as bright as the Dog Star is back to its full glare outside my house. I won…
Just another mad night out at the local bad-food gastropub
We were enjoying our evening at the overpriced gastropub until a woman in a dark uniform appeared at our table.…
