Subscriber Only

I have to concentrate pretty hard on the Flat when the Grand National hasn’t even been run

14 April 2018 9:00 am

William Haggas’s Addeybb heralded the opening of the Flat season by winning the Lincoln Handicap on 24 March but I…

Bridge

14 April 2018 9:00 am

I’m not saying that I want ‘She played bridge for England’ on my tombstone — but then again… Last weekend,…

The black art of acting

31 March 2018 9:00 am

I go to the theatre but rarely because I am overpowered by even mediocre acting and find it exhausting. Theatre…

I’m being spied on in my bedroom by a drone

31 March 2018 9:00 am

The sound of something hideous woke me in the dead of night, and I shot out of bed. I looked…

Has Provence cured my cancer?

24 March 2018 9:00 am

During the past three years I have spent quite a bit of time in a rented house in Provence. Volets…

I’m mad as hell and not going to take it any more!

24 March 2018 9:00 am

‘I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it any more!’ I screamed through the window of the…

Me, General de Gaulle and an elderly barbecued lesbian

17 March 2018 9:00 am

The flight from Gatwick to France was cancelled and there was no prospect of another for three days. Paddington station…

Save me from stupid women

17 March 2018 9:00 am

We live in a cynical world. One cannot simply advertise something for sale and expect people to believe what one…

Was the easyJet representative a fascist?

10 March 2018 9:00 am

Earbuds in. Speed walking to Grant Lazlo’s ‘Heard It Through The Grapevine’. A corridor, a left fork, a moving walkway,…

My unhealthy obsession with Brian May

10 March 2018 9:00 am

‘I bet Brian May isn’t lying on his back in a field shelter wondering how long it’s going to take…

From the First Battle of Ypres to Brexit

3 March 2018 9:00 am

Poperinghe, Bailleul, Wytschaete, Gheluvelt, Ploegsteert, Messines, Zonnebeke, Passchendaele. The other week I grandiosely claimed that I have been reading about…

We are only one thank you away from killing one another

3 March 2018 9:00 am

‘Good afternoon, my name is Bradley, and how may I be of help to you today?’ After you’ve spent ten…

The vomit-cleaners of YouTube

24 February 2018 9:00 am

My hangover was what the great Kingsley Amis describes in his Everyday Drinking guide as a ‘metaphysical’ hangover. Apart from…

I can’t live without Jane Fonda

24 February 2018 9:00 am

Everything since the ZX Spectrum has pretty much left me cold. Ghetto blasters, Sony Walkmans, CDs, Apple Macs, iPods, PlayStations……

Even the BBC’s recipes are politically correct

17 February 2018 9:00 am

I’m cooking almost full-time for my poor old Mum and learning on the job: shepherd’s pie, roast pork, cauliflower cheese.…

I’ve faked my own iPhone death

17 February 2018 9:00 am

After much thought, I am toying with the idea of faking my own death. I mean in a virtual sense,…

Seeing Nelson in a new light

10 February 2018 9:00 am

I picked up my grandson from his mother’s flat and noticed the change in him the second I clapped eyes…

My horse is a psychopath — and you’d better believe it

10 February 2018 9:00 am

Why do people find it so hard to believe that a horse can be a psychopath? Not an obvious, screaming…

My Burns Night haircut

3 February 2018 9:00 am

At three o’clock I took half a bottle of Glenmorangie with me to Jimmy’s. That it was Burns Night, and…

Hell is a dental hygienist

3 February 2018 9:00 am

‘Please, could you just clean my teeth?’ I want to say, only I don’t. I go along with it, praying…

Two documentaries have made me determined to visit America’s Deep South before I die

27 January 2018 9:00 am

‘ESTA refused,’ said the email from the official website of the US Department of Homeland Security. Franklin Roosevelt once said…

Are vets the new transgenders?

27 January 2018 9:00 am

The vet who is unhappy that I cracked a joke about vets has received the backing of the British Veterinary…

Jeremy Clarke: The power of ‘Bonjour’

20 January 2018 9:00 am

In France, or in Provence at least, polite rule number one is to say hello. You must offer a distinct…

Melissa Kite: The death of humour

20 January 2018 9:00 am

A vet has accused me of a ‘hate crime’ for making a joke about vets. On the basis that everything…

Low life

28 October 2017 9:00 am

Last May we had dinner with a comic who reads a lot and his wife. At one point, he told…