Hugo Rifkind

If Ed Miliband can’t be our first Jewish prime minister, he can still be our first atheist Jewish prime minister from Primrose Hill

The immigrant experience changes you, as well as where you move to

19 April 2014

9:00 AM

19 April 2014

9:00 AM

Last weekend, in a small New Jersey suburb, I found myself in a liquor store. Never been anywhere like it. The walls were lined with single malts of rare and impressive varieties, and the clientele both knew their whisky and spoke of little else. Yet they were all, also, to a man (and they were all men) ultra-orthodox Jews.

Properly ultra, as well. There’s a website you might have come across called ‘Amish or Hipster’ and it shows pictures of young folks in beards and hats and braces, and asks you to vote on which particular cult you reckon you are looking at. This lot were like that. The beards were full and bushy, the shirts were all white and tieless and the top buttons were all done up. I remember once seeing a documentary about a very trendy counter-cultural magazine you also might know called Vice. As this lot stood around a barrel taking shots, it could have been one of their editorial meetings.

I bought myself a couple of bottles, anyway, and wandered away feeling quite charmed. At first, I amused myself by thinking that it was impossible to imagine the opposite; a bunch of men in kilts in an inexplicably Judaic store in Inverness, perhaps, nudging each other, and saying ‘Och, aye, it’s a fuhkin’ barry Kiddush wine, this, Jim.’ But then suddenly it struck me that they and I were not actually so very different.

I, too, am Jewish, as you probably know. Go back to the 1880s, and their ancestors and mine could have lived in neighbouring shtetls. We weren’t Hassidim and I think they were, but that’s by the by. Same sort of ethnic stock. So the sole thing that makes it more incongruous for them to be drinking Talisker than me is that for the past 12 decades I’ve been keeping my Yiddisher DNA somewhere else.

It is strangely lopsided, how we talk of immigration. We focus always on the effect that the immigrant has on the place, but rarely on that which the place has on the immigrant. Give him half a generation, or maybe even less, and he can’t possibly ‘go home’, because he is no longer from where home used to be. He is instead a whole new thing, which could only be from where he now is.

So to Ed Miliband, and the question of whether he slipped up, somehow, when he last week spoke of his desire to be Britain’s first Jewish prime minister. ‘The clot!’ said many. ‘The ninny! He says the phrase “one nation” eight times an hour, and he’s forgotten about Disraeli!’ And indeed, maybe he had. Or maybe he was operating under the presumption that a Jew who identifies as a Christian loses the bulk of his ‘Jew’ tag, in a way that one who merely stops having anything to do with a synagogue does not, which seems pretty reasonable to me, although possibly not to you. It’s a particularly Christian perspective, either way, to feel that the question of whether Miliband has faith or not is of the slightest importance. Judaism doesn’t give a toss about faith. It’s all about observance.

Of course, he doesn’t observe either, but never mind that. My point is not only that Ed Miliband is entitled to consider himself an atheist Jew if he so wishes, but that he could only ever be an English atheist Jew. As an American atheist Jew, he might look much the same, but the clothes would be different (checked shirt, pens in breast pocket) and he’d almost certainly work in a maths department.

I’ve an inkling, indeed, that English atheist Jew is far too broad, and Ed could actually only ever be a north London atheist Jew, or possibly even a Primrose Hill atheist Jew, which is similar to but nonetheless quite distinct from the atheist Jews you get in Hampstead. Whereas if he were an east London atheist Jew he’d be more working-class, and if he were a St John’s Wood atheist Jew he’d wear a golden tie pin. To the best of my knowledge, Golders Green and points north aren’t worth worrying about, because all the atheists tend to move out pretty sharpish.

I say English rather than British, please note, because I’m a Scottish Jew, and thus really not very like Ed Miliband at all. Scottish Jews can drink, which in my limited experience is a trait they share, out of all Jews, only with Russian Jews. In temperament, English Jews are far more Anglican than my sort of Scottish Jews who, despite the booze, tend to be fairly Presbyterian. Unless they come from Glasgow, obviously, in which case they can be a bit Catholic. I hope you’re getting this down.

Air pain

I don’t approve of journalists who use their platforms to further their own customer complaints, so I shan’t tell you which airline this item is about. Except to say that it’s a British one, and not budget, and not owned by Sir Richard Branson, either. Yeah. Them. Anyway, the other week I had to cancel an outward flight, but I wanted to keep the return. You’re with me?

‘Tricky,’ said the airline. ‘But I just want to not take a flight,’ I said. ‘There’s a fine,’ said the airline. ‘You want me to pay you more money in order to not get on an aero-plane?’ I said. ‘Yes,’ they said. ‘Are you blushing right now?’ I said. ‘No,’ they said. ‘How do you sleep at night?’ I said. ‘On a bed of cash, laughing at you,’ they said.

Oh, OK, so I made up the last bit. But seriously. These people.

Got something to add? Join the discussion and comment below.

Hugo Rifkind is a writer for the Times.

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Show comments
  • Realpolitik

    Benjamin Disraeli was Jewish; just a taste of Miliband’s incompetence….. that and his £2,000,000 party funding loss in the co-op….. Can’t wait until he becomes PM; let’s see if he can handle an economy worth billions; rather than mere millions!

    As for Atheist PMs we have had our fair share of those too; for example; our current one!

    • Liberty

      No Labour government has managed to handle the economy, any economy. This lot are probably even more economically illiterate than the previous Labour bunglers.

  • sarah_13

    I see the point and he clearly knows D’israeli converted to christianity but surely if Ed Miliband didn’t have a Bar Mitzvah how can he claim to be more Jewish than Disraeli, even as an atheist?

    • jack

      Disraeli’s conversion was not one of sincerity. In those days you needed to be COE to get anywhere is politics, and Disraeli was not the type to let a bunch of moldering superstitions stand in his way.

      • Thomas Evans

        Disraeli was baptized when he was twelve upon the initiative of his father; he didn’t have any say in the matter.

        • jack

          This is true, but so what? Also notice that his father himself did not covert. This is not evidence of “conversion” in my opinion. It is simply evidence that his father had ambitions for the son and knew how to cynically game the system. Does this sort of thing make him a christian? Is this “conversion”? I do not think any of it was sincere.

  • Terry Field

    He is, in reality, not jewish, without the Bar Mitzvah, and he is more marxist than any thing else, based on background, and declared political world view. Daddy’s little helper.
    Socialist is too soft a title for this man;
    He will give the pork-barrel eating British precisely what they deserve.
    Glad I left.

    • jack

      You didn’t need a bar Mitzvah to get sent to the gas chambers. It was decided purely on the basis of genetics and I am sure Ed would qualify.

      • Jessica

        You also don’t need to have a bar mitzvah to be Jewish. Any 13-year-old Jewish boy is ‘bar mitzvah’ whether they say the lines in synagogue, or have a big party, or not. It’s just a tradition to read from the Torah. But even if you don’t, you’re still bar mitzvah, and you’re 100% still a Jewish man, in the eyes of the religion. Whether you like it or not.

        • jack

          That is BS. The Bar Mitzvah is a very rigorous examination conducted by the elders of the congregation and the Rabbi. The student must demonstrate that they know the hebrew language and the main Hebrew prayers. They must prove this by leading a portion of the Sabbath ceremony in Hebrew. Typically the young scholar begins studies at the age of 8 or 9 and spend 6 hours a week learning Hebrew and studying religious law and philosophy (the talmud). I myself have done this and can attest to this. Only those who successfully complete the Bar Mitzvah are considered to be “adults” and thereafter responsible to god for their sins. Only those who are Bar Mitzvah can count towards the “minion” (a quorum of ten adult males). A minion or more is needed for conduct of services and business by the synagogue. Only those who are Bar Mitzvah, are allowed to marry and start a family.

        • jack

          You do not get to be considered an adult member of the congregation simply because you are a faithful person of good character. Judiasm is an elite religion. You must earn your place and your right to marry and reproduce. No one who is illiterate or ignorant of the talmud should be allowed to reproduce and spread their weak genetic information, to the next generation and hence to other innocent members of the community. It is a matter of simple common sense and public hygiene. When one needs to govern a persecuted impoverished and ghettoized community, then one must do what is necessary for survival over the long term..

  • Patricia

    “How do you sleep at night?’ I said. ‘On a bed of cash’”
    Wasn’t that a phrase delivered by Don Draper in a “Mad Men” episode ?.

  • R Fairless

    A third generation Marxist, ex-Polish, Ex-Jew, pro EU, pro Wind Turbines, pro Forest Burner pro Fish Dumper, pro Co-op Bank, anti referendum, anti UKIP summarises Red Ed’s inherited and acquired traits.

  • Retired Nurse

    I was hoping he’d aspire to being the ‘first female prime minister’…those PR guys he’s imported from Obama’s camp can work miracles…

  • marksl

    Ed Miliband’s father was born and educated in Belgium and came to Britain in 1940 when the Germans invaded. His paternal grandfather lived in Belgium all his life, and presumably his some of his great-grandparents did so too. Ever since Britain set up Belgium as its buffer-state in 1830 (Charles de Gaulle, born in Lille, used to say that is all that Belgium is) people from Belgium have come to live in Britain. To describe EM as a child of immigrants is, on his father’s side, rather absurd.
    One of our greatest nineteenth-century writers, Charlotte Bronte, worked in Brussels in the 1

  • MichtyMe

    Atheist jewish prime minister, is that a oxymoron?

    • jack

      I know many Buddhist Jews.