In Competition No. 2940 you were invited to supply Dr Seuss’s take on the US presidential race.
Given his taste for taking down bullies, tyrants and hypocrites, it seems unlikely that Theodor Geisel would have been a fan of the frontrunner for the Republican nomination, who, as might be expected, loomed large in your submissions.
It was a tall order to ape Seuss’s imaginative, subversive genius but you produced a lively and varied entry. Commendations to Mae Scanlan, Frank Upton, Brian Allgar and Alan Millard. Those printed below take £25; Chris O’Carroll pockets £30.
McTrumpeter trumpets, ‘I’m born to be Prez!
I say the things no other candidate sez!
I’m richer than God! I’m a TV star, too!
And I’ve got a giant-sized Whang-Dangle-Doo!
‘I hate everyone who’s a bad shade of brown.
I’m keeping them out and I’m keeping them down.
I built a casino and I’ll build a wall,
And my Zingle-McSwingle’s the biggest of all!
‘Mussolini and Putin are OK by me,
So hand me the reins of the Land of the Free.
I’ll make us great again! Buy this cool cap,
And check out the size of my Whatzamawhap!
‘My fans shrug it off when I traffic in lies.
I’m all about winning! I’m all about size!
So vote for the flagpole that’s bigger than big,
McTrumpeter’s Super Badoinkamajig!’
I have no time for Donald Trump.
I do not like his wobbly rump.
I cannot stand his crazy hair
And what is in his underwear
I do not know and do not care
I never plan to see him bare
I hate the hate his speech incites
I loathe the dirty way he fights
The sight of him can make me itch
He’s much too smug and far too rich
I can’t abide his entourage,
His dress sense and his persiflage
And furthermore I derogate
The aforementioned stream of hate
A man without a decent thought
Is Hillary the last resort?
There are people who live in a land far away
and Sam says they’re folks of the Youess of Eh.
In the mirror they holler, ‘Hey, hip, hip, hooray,
we’re the Earth’s greatest nation,’ and, ‘Yippee aye ay!’
But the Youess of Eh needs a leader who’s bold,
a gun-toting cowboy who’ll bring back the old
days when its army’s artillery rolled
and its glorious dead were a sight to behold.
Over two hundred million all value their vote
for they think every ballot might trigger a moat
or a wall at their borders, allow them to gloat
and put the less fortunate back in their boat.
But the leadership race of the Youess of Eh
has become an embarrassing public display
of bawdy buffoonery. Sam and I say,
‘I hope that they stay in that land far away.’
The Snickertees say you should vote for their gal,
But the Trumplebees say you should plump for their pal —
How can you choose between Hillbilly Grinch,
And the Nabob of Gob? Why folks, it’s a cinch!
Weigh both the runners on very large scales —
Catch all their long words in very large pails —
Measure each promise (by foot or by metre),
And test all their lies (say, which one is sweeter?)
How did you find them? As broad as they’re long?
Well, now you can choose what is right, what is wrong.
Look at their heads! Do you care for their lacquers?
Which holds up best? Will they pay any backers?
Now you see best what’s the best way to vote!
Don’t feed the goat with the gall in his throat,
But don’t back the nanny who noddles her ninny
(Her hub was a slub and his whine is her whinny).
Do not tell me election news;
To hear this stuff I do not choose.
Stop analysing Utah, please
And never mention primaries.
Do not tell me of a poll.
Do not write another col.
Do not on the radio
Explain what I don’t want to know.
Do not on the internet
Say what I wish I could forget.
Do not draw a diagram
Of voting trends in Alabam.
I am fed up ad nauseam
With Mr Trump the big I-Am,
Who is a bully and a ham,
And up is how you ought to clam.
The nation was angry. It couldn’t take more.
It said, ‘We can choose the same fools, but what for?
I don’t want to vote for another big phoney!
I don’t want to vote for a billionaire’s crony!
No, we won’t stand for it! No, we will not!
We’ve tried politicians . . . what else have you got?
The man with the orange complexion seems fun.
Clinton? Too retro. And Bush? It’s been done.
Just give me a man who’s a pig just like me!
A man who will crap on the kings of PC!
Stop loving the immigrants! Teach us to hate again!
With Trump we will soon make America great again!’
No 2943: Mismatch
You are invited to submit an extract from a review of a well-known work of literature that has been written by a comically inappropriate reviewer. Please email entries of up to 150 words to email@example.com by midday on 6 April.
Got something to add? Join the discussion and comment below.
You might disagree with half of it, but you’ll enjoy reading all of it. Try your first 10 weeks for just $10