Flat White

The Guardian meets the RNC

28 May 2017

1:12 PM

28 May 2017

1:12 PM

Following Guardian journalist Ben Jacobs’ altercation with Republican Gregory Gianforte, the awkward DC-based reporter has been flooded with invitations to attend RNC fundraising events around the nation’s capital.

Gianforte last week lived every conservative’s wet dream when he delivered an epic beat down to Jacobs in his Bozeman headquarters. The incident triggered a $100,000 surge in political donations and secured his victory in Montana’s only at-large congressional seat.

Republican campaign strategists estimate that an effectively executed choke slam of a left-wing journalist can earn a candidate an additional 5 points in the polls in predominately rural states like Montana. Focus groups have also been virtually unanimous in identifying the effete British broadsheet as the most deserving of WWF-styled brutality amongst undecided voters.


“Nebbish Guardian journalists represent the antithesis of American manhood”, explained political consultant Rob Schwartzman. “Delivering thinly provoked violence towards this section of the media polls extremely well. It’s not even an American newspaper, so from that perspective it’s win-win.”

Invitations often spell out a desire for Jacobs to bring his “best glasses”, alternatively offering that “glasses will be supplied if currently under repair”.

Jacobs was sanguine about his newfound profile as a lightning rod for populist anger toward the distortions of the progressive media. Taking the role in his stride, the reporter has tentatively accepted many of the petitions for his presence.

“Obviously my mom is worried about the new direction my career is taking but we discussed it last night at the movies and she’s been supportive. I’m still covered by her health insurance, so from a financial perspective there are fewer downside risks.”

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