I was busy explaining to a 23-year-old American girl by the name of Jennifer why the election result was not a disaster. She is a Spectator reader and wants to work in England, preferably in politics. She called the result the worst news since her father had abandoned her mother. I begged to differ. Actually, it was a far better result than it would have been had the Conservatives won a majority of 100, I told her. She gasped in disbelief, but soon enough she was hooked.

Do not be alarmed, dear readers. I have not taken LSD. Nor am I suffering from populist-nationalist rage at global elites and starting to hallucinate. No, I just read a piece in the New York Times by an ignoramus who said that Britain’s voyage to inglorious isolation is a consequence of the Brits not listening to people such as Heath and Wilson who took Britain into Europe. What would we do without such fools writing such drivel? Heath and Wilson, God help us.

I was pleased with the result mainly because I never trusted Saint Theresa but do trust the DUP. My other reason is that when lefties cry that plans to crack down on Islamic extremism raise worries about rights, I know that soft Conservatives will fold quicker than you can say ‘coward’. Not the DUP, however, whose enemies call it bigoted, xenophobic, isolationist and other such goodies. Oh yes, it also opposes tranny bathrooms and same-sex marriage. Who wants the British to end up like the Americans, too scared to utter certain opinions about race and gender.

So sorry, you wet ones, if there is a coalition between the Conservatives and the DUP, we’ll have never had it so good. Yippee! And now for more good news: the left-wing media in America have flown into a quasi-psychotic rage over Russian interference during the last election. The fact that it never happened, and was invented by the Deep State, is neither here nor there. The ignorant among us believe it to be true. Putin is now considered to be behind the Trump victory. In fact, the adjectives used against him are far worse than any used to describe the Führer before war was declared. They don’t even call him Herr Putin, as British politicians referred to Herr Hitler.

Never mind. My new buddy Oliver Stone has come to the rescue. It all started one night about ten years ago when my close friend Michael Mailer seated me near Oliver. Not only were the director and I not on speaking terms; I had publicly announced that if he ever crossed my path I’d hit him so hard he’d have to look up to tie his shoelaces. Well, beware of answered prayers. During an event honouring Norman Mailer, I stood up, faced Oliver Stone and told him that I had switched sides — after the Iraq disaster — and agreed with him on everything, including cheating on one’s wife (which he and I had always agreed on).

It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship, and I distinctly remember a dinner at Michael’s house when John Buffalo Mailer, who has often acted in Oliver’s films, and I first discussed going to Moscow, me playing judo with Vlad, Mailer interviewing him. To call John Buffalo an optimist would be a gross understatement. The deal was signed and sealed as we finished yet one more bottle of red, our last words being, ‘Oh boy, the pussy in Moscow will rock.’

Well, we never got to Moscow and never got to see Putin, but Oliver Stone did and sold the story to Showtime. It’s 50–50 whether he got the idea from us — he was present, after all, when we hatched our plan – or when he made his movie Snowden, about the guy who spilled the beans. When asked by the newspaper that prints only the news it invents about Putin influencing the American election, Stone snorted and answered that Putin had no influence whatsoever, whereas Sheldon Adelson (a billionaire Las Vegas vulgarian), the Israeli government and the Koch brothers had real power in DC.

So now I am in the enviable position of defending Oliver Stone, who smelled a rat about Iraq back before millions had become refugees and hundreds of thousands had died. Now he tells the hysterical opposition to Trump that Russia played no role in his election, but few are listening. Why would they? The same people who perpetrated the Iraq disaster are still in power, and they want to keep the war machine going. It’s money in the bank. Oh yes, I almost forgot, the latest Saudi obscenity — the sheer barbarism of its football team refusing to observe a minute’s silence for the victims of the London Bridge terrorist attack. (Most likely funded by the Saudis to begin with.) Next time you see any of those scumbags racing up and down Sloane Street, remember that obscenity, if nothing else. If we had a government with some cojones, the relevant Saudis, Qataris and Kuwaitis would be banned from merry old England. Let them eat their dates in Belgium or Luxembourg.