The following is a transcript of an interview with Chairman Dan Andrews conducted by Fake News late on Sunday evening following Channel Nine’s 60 Minutes episode, in which they alleged Victorian Minister for Small Business, Adem Somyulek, was guilty of branch stacking. Parental guidance is recommended. 

Fake News: Did you watch Channel Nine’s 60 Minutes report tonight on Alex Somyulek?

Chairman Dan: Yes I did. It was a fascinating piece of work and I was really worried until Sam Dastyari appeared. Then I knew it was all bulls**t. Sam is great with an Aldi bag full of loot but it doesn’t do much for the credibility of the story.

Fake News: The word is that Somyulek has threatened you.

Chairman Dan: “Nah. He is a smashing bloke …. Used to bring his mother flowers and stuff”.

Fake News: But we have video footage of his henchman, Nick McLennan, kidnapping you and taking you to see him. Can you tell us about that?

Chairman Dan: Well…. McLennan turns up and says ‘Somyulek wants to see you’ so he chains me to the back of the tank and takes me for a scrape round to Somyulek’s place. Somyulek is there, in the conversation pit, with Charles Paisley the baby crusher and a guy they called ‘Kierkegaard’ who just sat there biting the heads off whippets. Somyulek says to me ‘You’ve been a naughty boy, Clement’ and he splits my nostril open, saws my leg off and pulls my liver out. When I tell him ‘My name is not Clement’ he starts to get violent and nails my head to the floor.

Fake News: We understand that he once nailed your wife’s head to a coffee table?

Chairman Dan: Oh yeah, he did do that. He was going to let her off, but I insisted.

Fake News: What do you think will happen to Somyulek now?

Chairman Dan: I don’t know. I guess Adem will tell me what to do in due course. [Phone rings.] Can you excuse me for a moment? [Andrews leaves room, then returns.] What a coincidence. That was Adem. He tells me he’s resigning in the morning, so you can see I’m my own man. In the meantime, all I can say is that Albo is f****d. Jim Chalmers is a shoo-in and then they will just have to beat off Plibersek after Chalmers loses the next election.

Fake News: We also wanted to ask you about your business partners’ decision to execute an Australian citizen.

Chairman Dan: Look I know that we signed an agreement with Beijing and I know that they needlessly slaughtered their own students in the thousands, but that was 31 years ago. They’ve improved their human rights record, in fact. They used to kill ’em by the millions back in the days of the Great Leap Forward and the Cultural Revolution.

Fake News: But wasn’t China also in breach of the agreement with Victoria when you signed it? The agreement talks about free trade yet they had imposed an 81% tariff on barley produced in Victoria…Is that correct?

Chairman Dan: Yes. That is correct but it is not our fault, or China’s. You see, anything bad that is happening is the fault of the federal Coalition government and we should not, nor China for that matter, be held accountable for our own actions when there is a federal Coalition government in power.

Fake News: But you just signed a deal with people knowing they were already reneging on the deal and now that they are going to kill an Australian citizen, just because they can.

Chairman Dan: As I said… foreign affairs are nothing to do with us, apart from obviously our clear sovereign right to participate in the glorious Belt and Road project. We are happy with where our relationship with China is at.

(With apologies to Monty Python — and Doug and Dinsdale Pirahna.)

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