Drongo alert: this piece may contain traces of satire. None of the quotes are accurate and, if they are, they’ve been included by mistake.
Melbourne has been voted the world’s Most Lockdownable City.
The prestigious award was presented last night at a gala ceremony hosted by Chinese President Xi Jinping who praised his Victorian comrades for separating families, closing churches and devastating industry.
“We are in awe at what you have done to your people,” he said.
“And when you look at what we have done to the Uighurs, you’ll understand that is high praise from us indeed.”
Victoria Chairman Daniel Andrews accepted the award on behalf of his State and said he was “immensely proud” of what he had been able to achieve in the past 12 months.
“As a socialist, you fantasise about imposing your will upon the people but you never, in a million years, dream it will ever be possible in a democratic nation.
“Covid-19 has enabled me to suspend democratic norms and fulfil every socialist’s boyhood dreams. I want to sincerely think President Xi for making it all possible.”
The Victorian capital, which went into lockdown last week for the third time in less than a year, beat five-time winner Pyongyang for the coveted title of Most Lockdownable City.
Melbourne received almost perfect scores for its use of drones to monitor citizens, its strict enforcement of curfews and the establishment of an impenetrable ‘ring of steel’ to prevent people from leaving the city.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un said he was disappointed to lose the title but insisted Melbourne was a worthy winner.
“Melbourne is gold standard when it comes to lockdown,” he said.
Kim Jong-un said he was especially impressed by Chairman Dan’s ability to lock thousands of people in their homes and then, over the New Year, lock many of those same people out of their homes.
“You have taken evil genius to a whole other level,” an admiring Kim Jong-un told Victoria’s Dear Leader.
“You lock them in. You lock them out. And now, this week, you lock them in all over again. Suddenly the whole city is engulfed with happiness and the people are endlessly inspired,” he said.
Chairman Dan, exercising his trademark humility, downplayed Kim Jong-un’s praise.
“I can’t take too much credit,” he said. “It’s amazing what you can do with a weak opposition, a compliant public, a sycophantic media class and an entire police force at your disposal.”
After receiving the award, Chairman Dan confirmed rumours that mandatory blindfolds would soon be introduced in Victoria. Masks are already mandatory.
He said blindfolds would be compulsory in order to protect people from catching on to the truth about his government’s handling of the pandemic.
The Premier, who had previously insisted that blindfolds were not necessary thanks to what he called “outstanding propaganda by the ABC”, changed his mind after 7:30 presenter Leigh Sales used a press conference to highlight his government’s failures.
“We need to prevent the spread of this new strain of reporting which originated on Sky News and I now fear may get out of hand,” he said.
“We have worked so hard to get Victorians to love us for locking them down. I will not allow all that hard work to be for nothing.”
He said blindfolds would not be needed when reading The Age or Twitter.
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