World

Don’t worry, the Central Intersectional Agency is watching you

7 May 2021

1:37 AM

7 May 2021

1:37 AM

A regular column by an anonymous whistle-blower operating deep within heart of the Social Justice Movement. To protect their identity, they will go under the code-name ‘They/Them’. Wokeyleaks is a confidential news leak organization for anyone wishes to divulge classified information (and hilarious anecdotes) about woke culture without fear of getting canceled. To any would-be Edward Snowflakes out there: leak your woke-culture war crimes to wokeyleaks@protonmail.com. We promise to protect our sources. 

Since its inception only a few months ago Wokeyleaks has had whistle-blowers coming forward from multi-billion-dollar arms companiesBritish spy agencies and multi-trillion-dollar financial institutions. What is apparent in all of these stories is the degree to which wokeness has infiltrated some of the wealthiest and most powerful institutions on the planet. But now, the CIA has gone and jumped the Great Apologetically White-Shark with an advert so try-hard in its wokery that it’s hard to work out whether or not it’s some kind of false-flag operation.


The script reads as if a CIA computer randomly amalgamated all the top-trending woke buzzwords they gathered by pointing their mass surveillance system at a yoga center in Echo Park for an afternoon. The star of the advert is an ‘an intersectional millennial woman of color’ (and CIA agent) who has been ‘diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder’, not that anyone asked. She tells us that her ‘existence is not a box checking exercise’ before going on to list them all while standing in front of a poster for ‘Native American Heritage Month’. We slow-pan over a picture of her being presented with an ‘Equal Opportunity and Diversity’ award by former CIA director John Brennan.

But old white men like John are the past. The future is boss-girl agents that refuse to ‘internalize misguided patriarchal ideas of what a woman can or should be’. Who’s to say that a Latinx woman can’t endorse torture and drone innocent civilians just as competently as John did? It’s certainly reassuring to know that from now on it will be an intersectional millennial spying on our emails and not some opinionated middle-aged ‘Karen’. For too long women of color have had to be twice as smart and at least three times as evil just to break through the glass ceiling at Langley. But this agent is living proof that no matter your race, gender or pseudo-psychological diagnosis, you too can overcome ‘Imposter Syndrome’ and maybe one day even become director of the CIA.

So why is it that the most sinister organizations on the planet feel the need to virtue-signal more performatively than Joaquin Phoenix on Oscar night? If it’s a strategy of divide a conquer it’s certainly been effective. What masterful psyops to convince an entire political movement in an age of unparalleled inequality that Elon Musk is their ally and QAnon Shaman their enemy.

And why have the left, who are normally so pedantic when it comes to pronouns and ‘problematic language’, allowed this quiet coup d’état of their vocabulary? Perhaps the overwhelming variety and scale of the problems we face as a planet make it easier to focus on small, symbolic solutions that feel more achievable. If so, then power will inevitably become more centralized, and wealth concentrated in even fewer hands. But we can all rest easy in the knowledge that soon even the Illuminati will be a woke equal opportunities employer with an intersectional Latinx woman as CEO.

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