Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

What’s a squashed dog between neighbours?

23 January 2021 9:00 am

Not long after he took on a smallholding for his cobs, the builder boyfriend found a couple walking through his…

Join me for weekly Scream If You’re Going Round The Bend

16 January 2021 9:00 am

Never mind Clap for Carers, I’m trying to start a new weekly morale booster called Scream If You’re Going Round…

What parking disputes have taught me about Brexit

9 January 2021 9:00 am

Our battle with the EU has given me an insight into the parking disputes outside my house. Or is it…

Come back, doggers, all is forgiven

19 December 2020 9:00 am

Bring back the men having sex in the undergrowth. This was the thought that occurred to me and my friend…

Why it pays to be rude to ramblers

12 December 2020 9:00 am

If the novelty of going for a walk doesn’t wear thin for the marauding masses soon, I am going to…

Was endorsing Boris one of my worst misjudgments ever?

5 December 2020 9:00 am

Now that our social lives are a Venn diagram that only mathematicians can understand I am officially becoming a recluse.…

Why animals’ names matter

28 November 2020 9:00 am

Pretty Man was a plump white pony in the forefront of a sad picture. The photograph showed the seizure by…

The strange case of the ‘alleged bonfire’

21 November 2020 9:00 am

The council has told me that what I saw was an ‘alleged bonfire’. When I described flames towering into the…

Where’s the slogan saying ‘Lose Weight. Stop Boozing. Survive the virus!’?

14 November 2020 9:00 am

Panic at the country feed store. Panic in the horse and pony aisle. I wonder to myself: could life ever…

How do we stop the Lycra dads using our stable yard as a toilet?

7 November 2020 9:00 am

The cyclist pulled into our gateway, got off his bike and grabbed hold of the electric fencing. Installing game cameras,…

My confusing life on the border of Tiers 1 and 2

31 October 2020 9:00 am

As I scoffed down a fabulous supper in a candlelit room full of ecstatic diners, it struck me that this…

I removed my mask and all hell broke loose

24 October 2020 9:00 am

The girl in the posh soap shop put her right arm out, palm flat in my face, and shouted: ‘Stand…

Has my tech guy moved to Africa to escape from me?

17 October 2020 9:00 am

‘I can’t put it off any longer. She’s dying and I don’t think I can ignore the inevitable. We’ve got…

The lunacy of customer service in the time of Covid

10 October 2020 9:00 am

‘Please be aware there is now a Covid surcharge,’ I told the builder boyfriend one morning, as we discussed the…

In praise of fly-tipping

3 October 2020 9:00 am

The pile of fly-tipping was dumped in the night as usual, right against the five bar gate. I arrived to…

This was not your usual entitled Surrey trespasser

26 September 2020 9:00 am

The Volkswagen Passat was parked next to my field gate, sticking out into the lane, blocking larger vehicles from getting…

The WFH community are finally walking their own dogs — with terrible consequences

19 September 2020 9:00 am

Every time I get on a horse I have to face the likelihood that a dog, or pack of dogs,…

Was the maskless man in my carriage dying of Covid?

12 September 2020 9:00 am

A man without a mask appeared to be dying of Covid, or something quite like it, on the London to…

Beware cars with National Trust stickers

5 September 2020 9:00 am

Always the National Trust sticker. It feels like every time a car parks across the gateway to my horses’ field…

Trust the NHS to take the worst elements of the private sector

29 August 2020 9:00 am

After driving around the hospital grounds in concentric circles until I was surely down a wormhole, I found the scanning…

My ‘virus’ turned out to be arthritis

22 August 2020 9:00 am

‘Hallo! You was callin’ us about appoint…MENT!’ said the lady at the scanning unit of my local hospital in broken…

The joy of pickling

15 August 2020 9:00 am

We have beans, peas, potatoes, tomatoes, butternut squash, plums and strawberries growing in our garden. I dug up and replanted…

If the office is ‘too dangerous’, why is everyone jetting off on holiday?

8 August 2020 9:00 am

The whole of Surrey and south-west London seem to have gone abroad on holiday so I’ve got my sanity back.…

You can’t sing in church but you can get a tattoo

1 August 2020 9:00 am

From my seat in the greasy spoon café I looked out on a typical English row of shops on a…

You wait ages for an ambulance, then five come along at once

25 July 2020 9:00 am

‘I need an ambulance!’ yelled the builder boyfriend into his mobile phone as the cyclist lay bleeding from a head…