Nut jobs like me can’t process misfortune in a calm way
‘Ah well, it can’t be helped,’ said the builder boyfriend. I call people who talk like that civilians. Nut jobs…
Why won’t the police acknowledge that speeding coppers are a liability?
For a while, it seemed as if the only words my beloved would ever say again were ‘chicken Kievs’. Two…
Not going to the osteopath cured me
Not going to the osteopath worked a treat. Walking out of that surgery after hearing the crunching coming from inside…
Is my osteopath a psychopath or a mystical healer?
Either the osteopath is a psychopath or he is the second coming. I see no other possibility. I turned up…
Forget Boris. What about Jeremy Corbyn’s womanising?
He has been married several times, has a way with the ladies and always seems to land on his feet…
You can tell a Remainer by their garden fence
Remainers don’t like borders, I get that. But I had always assumed this was a preference confined to geopolitics. I…
This prospective lodger was clearly barking mad
‘Take a seat,’ said the prospective lodger as we stood in my dining room. ‘I’m sorry, I don’t understand,’ I…
My planning permission hell
When is planning permission for four loft windows actually planning permission for two? Or simultaneously vice versa? It’s a very…
The builder b and I are engaged in a toilet war
No sooner had the builder boyfriend finished digging for no good reason in the basement than his attention turned to…
The NHS clearly wishes I would just naff off
The receptionist fixed me with a withering stare. I had just filled out a repeat prescription form and politely inquired…
My little lodger has been stolen from me
‘Farewell then, little lodger. I wish you would stay for ever but I understand that girls in their early twenties…
Now that Brexit’s been cancelled I’m moving to the Dordogne
‘When you are in a hole stop digging. Have you never heard that?’ I asked the builder boyfriend, as he…
I’ve reached scandal saturation point
A letter before action, or something that looked very much like it, arrived on my doormat from an insurance company.…
The NHS’s CBT mailshot is a scandal
A leaflet came through my door from the NHS inviting me to take part (if that is the right term)…
Have I misrepresented the builder boyfriend?
‘That’s not the builder boyfriend,’ said the luncheon guest as he eyed the builder boyfriend over the table. ‘Well then,…
The truth is messy. Village gossip is even messier
An angry villager accosted me outside my house as I came through my front door. ‘You’re wrong about those horses,’…
Our moaning MPs say they’re suffering. What about the rest of us?
A famous actor looks tearfully into the camera. It is Michael Sheen, or possibly Ewan McGregor. His voice cracks as…
I will never, ever, vote Conservative again
With very little expectation they would care, I sent an email to Mole Valley Conservatives. It always amuses me, that…
The builder boyfriend and I have left the EU – and it’s great
After all that waiting and arguing, I must say I thoroughly enjoyed leaving the EU. The builder boyfriend and I…
You should train your man like you train your Labrador
‘This clean sock regime is really annoying,’ said the builder boyfriend, as he rummaged through his newly inaugurated top drawer.…
Professional villagers won’t rest until they have eliminated mud from the countryside
‘Don’t touch anything sharp. Don’t saw anything or drill anything or sand anything,’ said the builder boyfriend as he left…
From a solar-powered bin to HS2: the destruction of my childhood home
My mother is a classy lady. I have always known this, but it still affected me in a way I…
My life is like that new Netflix series Russian Doll – a series of recurring crises
Russian Doll is a brilliant new Netflix drama in which a woman relives the same night over and over again.…
Farmers get treated like terror suspects by the RSPCA
‘What do you mean, you have no ID?’ I asked the farmer, starting to feel dizzy with the mind-boggling convolution…
From Swarfega to cleanse and polish: my long path to perfect skin
‘Is it for your daughter?’ said the sales assistant as I pointed to an expensive skincare product. She had glided…
