‘See it, Say it, Sort it’ makes me want to self-harm
‘How could you forget to get on the train?’ asked the keeper. ‘I can understand how you forgot to get…
I have broken a mirror — only seven years bad luck to go!
The broken mirror lay in hundreds of shattered pieces on my bathroom floor, having fallen off the wall while I…
I’m being spied on in my bedroom by a drone
The sound of something hideous woke me in the dead of night, and I shot out of bed. I looked…
I’m mad as hell and not going to take it any more!
‘I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it any more!’ I screamed through the window of the…
Save me from stupid women
We live in a cynical world. One cannot simply advertise something for sale and expect people to believe what one…
My unhealthy obsession with Brian May
‘I bet Brian May isn’t lying on his back in a field shelter wondering how long it’s going to take…
We are only one thank you away from killing one another
‘Good afternoon, my name is Bradley, and how may I be of help to you today?’ After you’ve spent ten…
I can’t live without Jane Fonda
Everything since the ZX Spectrum has pretty much left me cold. Ghetto blasters, Sony Walkmans, CDs, Apple Macs, iPods, PlayStations……
I’ve faked my own iPhone death
After much thought, I am toying with the idea of faking my own death. I mean in a virtual sense,…
My horse is a psychopath — and you’d better believe it
Why do people find it so hard to believe that a horse can be a psychopath? Not an obvious, screaming…
Hell is a dental hygienist
‘Please, could you just clean my teeth?’ I want to say, only I don’t. I go along with it, praying…
Are vets the new transgenders?
The vet who is unhappy that I cracked a joke about vets has received the backing of the British Veterinary…
Melissa Kite: The death of humour
A vet has accused me of a ‘hate crime’ for making a joke about vets. On the basis that everything…
Building artificial beauty spots to protect nests is a bird-brained idea
While walking or riding on the beautiful heathland near my home, I have noticed a growing number of signs telling…
Melissa Kite: No more Cinderella complex; no more males rescuers needed
‘Not being rude, but I don’t think you should do any DIY,’ said the gamekeeper. He had just witnessed me…
Melissa Kite: Could I live without an MRI scan of my head?
Reluctantly, I decided I would have to throw away the MRI scan of my head. I’ve hung on to it…
Melissa Kite: Hell is a porcelain kitchen tile
If only I knew whether I would have a kitchen, I could order a turkey. But despite having an almost…
Why is China sending aid money to Surrey?
When I first hear that my well-heeled Surrey neighbourhood is receiving aid from China, I assume it must be a…
My horse is a cross between Hannibal Lecter and Reggie Kray
While the vet was checking Gracie, I asked him to take a look at Tara, the old chestnut hunter. Just…
I’ve seen the new face of veterinary medicine – and I don’t like it
After a week of cold hosing, I decided I would have to get the vet to the small swelling on…
Dr Google’s verdict? Anthrax poisoning
Six months into the renovations and I have so much dust in my lungs I have had to give Stefano…
Life is tough at the bottom of the equality heap
The incident I am about to recount I make no judgment about, other than that I believe it tells us…
Sorry for touching your knee Michael Fallon – I exploited you to get ahead
This one goes out to all the male MPs I’ve taken to lunch. I want to apologise to each and…
Are my horses conspiring against me?
When it comes to horses, troubles come in multitudes. Multitudes of lame legs. Gracie, the hunter pony, kicked things off…
The poetry of kitchens
‘The colour of this kitchen is inspired by a blend of heather, bracken and the mountains of the Isle of…
