The scariest words in the English language: 'Dormer windows'
Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly fight any more battles, a pink planning notice is pinned to the lamp…
Herbal remedies for horses? I'm half tempted to try them myself...
You know you’ve been irreversibly sucked into the ninth circle of horse-owning hell when you find yourself perusing an equine…
Must every man take spring off to give birth?
Really, I do wish people would stagger their baby-making. Absolutely every professional person whose services I have required in the…
Like a Volvo, I start predicting disaster long before it happens
The mechanic hooked the Volvo up to his special laptop. He had kindly offered to come to me in order…
Give a working cocker a few months off and it turns into one half of Thelma and Louise
‘Can I go and play with Twiggy?’ If dogs could talk, this is what my spaniel Cydney would be saying…
My Volvo has turned into a monster
The Volvo has turned into a monster. It always did have a mind of its own. Fellow owners warned me…
'I assembled a counter full of sharp objects, and went at it like Rambo in First Blood'
All the way around a cross country course I went, then I got back, tied the horse up at a…
I accidentally bought a racehorse. Would you like to join a syndicate?
This horse-rearing business is not for the faint-hearted. I don’t know what I was thinking when I bought an eight-month-old…
The girl who hadn't heard of the Berlin Wall
‘Question 2. In which year did the Berlin Wall come down?’ shouted the quizmaster. And then he repeated this with…
Help! My gay best friend is cheating on me
My gay best friend is cheating on me with another woman. I saw him with her the other day and…
David Cameron is sending me begging letters
A letter arrives from David Cameron, asking me to vote by post in the European elections. Presumably he means vote…
My friend Denise doesn't know where London ends – just when it ends
The look on her face said it all. I can always tell my friend Denise is upset about something when…
The Environment Agency cares more about wildlife than people
The Environment Agency may not be much use to humans, but it does great things for the depressed river mussel
Why is campaigning so thankless?
‘Quick, let’s slip one in the menu,’ said the builder, taking a leaflet from my handbag after we had paid…
Let's make Andre Rieu the leader of the world
‘Please, I beg of you, take me to see André,’ was my mother’s heartfelt plea. And so it was that…
Finding a job for my cocker spaniel
Seeing a poodle on the London Underground wearing a red vest with the words ‘Diabetes Medical Dog’ has given me…
My Chinese water torture
Drip, drip, drip. The noise of my downstairs London conversion flat, where the plumbing was fitted by turn-of-the-century sadists who…
I truly loved you, BT Broadband. I should never have reached for Sky
Don’t do it. Do not, whatever you do, even think about doing it. I was happy not doing it. And…
My iPhone, iPad and Blackberry are conspiring against me
‘How often do you de-frag this?’ said the Good Geek in the phone shop. I had gone in finally to…
Melissa Kite: Why is it easier to go mad than get a refund from a utility company?
‘Hello, I’d like my money back, please,’ I said to the nice lady on the other end of the line.…
Melissa Kite: No more boyfriends for me
Just the three resolutions for me. I am keeping it simple. Number one: no more boyfriends. The definition of insanity…
Melissa Kite: My attempt to parody myself as a scrawny neurotic didn’t tickle Mrs Inglis pink
A very cross letter arrives from someone who wants to tell me I’m a ‘silly woman’. ‘You are a silly…
Melissa Kite’s inventory of life (the ex-boyfriends’ possessions they left behind)
Emmylou Harris and the McGarrigle sisters wrote a song called ‘All I left Behind’. My version is called ‘All They…
Melissa Kite: My journey to despair with Lambeth's bin men
Everything is a journey now, especially if it involves failure. The X Factor rejects, people having disasters as they build…
Melissa Kite: I can no longer find knickers small enough to fit me
It’s becoming impossible to find knickers in my size
