Melissa Kite: I really didn't mean what I said to my boyfriend while he was in the bath
The builder boyfriend and I have had a terrible row. In the heat of the moment, I said something truly…
Melissa Kite: I don't mean to make the transport secretary run across the Savoy ballroom, really I don't
‘Do you know…?’ said the Tory MP I was sitting next to, as he tried to introduce me to the…
Melissa Kite: aliens have landed in Warwickshire — I’ve seen their spaceship
Like the heroine in Stephen King’s The Tommyknockers, I stood in front of it with my mouth open in awe.…
David Cameron has lost the countryside
The shires feel deeply abandoned by Cameron and the Conservatives
Melissa Kite’s fraught relationship with printers
Blind panic grips me at the thought that all over Britain there are people sitting in cosy home offices operating…
'He said you said she said' — country chatter is exhausting
Speeding down the farm track from my little country retreat, I came across the gamekeeper in his Defender. I wound…
'I'm going to move things along as quickly as I can, but first of all can I say...'
‘Hello, good morning, my name is Gavin Moneypenny, and I’m your customer service representative for today and I’m pleased to…
Melissa Kite: my car crash of an evening discussing Catholicism
‘Excuse me. I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation and I have to tell you, as a Catholic, I’m offended.’ The…
Melissa Kite — after nearly 40 years of riding, all I know is: horses are horses. They are not people
Natural horsemanship has a lot to answer for. After a cross country event the other day, I rode back to…
The police give Melissa Kite short shrift
Walking the spaniel on Tooting Common, I was apprehended by a man on a bike. He was ashen-faced. His young…
Melissa Kite: I am thinking of copyrighting My Builder Boyfriend
The Builder Boyfriend has nearly moved in. I say nearly because we are both quite nervous about committing to each…
Melissa Kite: My horse show shame
‘Congratulations! You’ve qualified for The Sunshine Tour!’ beamed the lady judge, as she pinned a rosette to my horse’s bridle.…
Melissa Kite: hands off my single occupancy discount, Lambeth Council
Some call me paranoid, but I don’t think one can be suspicious enough when it comes to the activities of…
Melissa Kite: Warning. I gallop
What is the point of living in a free country if you cannot do dangerous things every now and again?…
Melissa Kite: Spare me from successful neighbours
At last. I’ve waited a long time for this moment. I’ve been through years of torture at the hands of…
Melissa Kite was the most unpopular girl in her school
If you are bullied at school, you see, you never stop feeling bullied, no matter how old you are. It…
Melissa Kite meets the Greek dog lady on Tooting Common and has words
My spaniel has been pronounced ‘too thin’ by a lady who rescues dogs from Greece. I had stopped to chat…
Bats vs people
They are a protected species – we’re not
Melissa Kite is punished for ignoring the Madonna of the sea
‘Benvenuti alla Small Cluster Band!’ And about time, too. We had been sitting in the Castello in Castellabate for half…
Will Melissa Kite’s former Italian waiter boyfriend stir up trouble again?
‘Piccolo problemo.’ Luigi, the hotel manager, delivered the fateful news as he served me my first lemon soda of the…
Melissa Kite: I can turn a picnic into a panic attack
You know you’re in bad shape when you need to make a list before you go to the GP. Admittedly,…
Real life: ‘I am going to sit here until you issue me with my warranty papers’
This is the story of the amazing, disappearing car warranty. It is a cautionary tale that all second-hand car buyers…
Real life: My handsome builder ex-boyfriend shows me how to buy a car
The sometime builder boyfriend spotted the Volvo on his way to a roofing job in Dorking. He rang me greatly…
