Real life
I shouldn’t be allowed to go to church
‘Life is changed, not ended,’ said the slogan on the lectern as the priest told his flock what to think…
Tenerife is a soap opera in the sun
A warm Sahara wind was blowing and by late afternoon the western sky where it met the sea was the…
The complicated etiquette of the empty train seat
The empty train seat looked inviting, and all three of us stared at it, then looked away, not daring to…
The revenge of the anger management counsellor
‘This is a New York strut,’ said the builder boyfriend as he wedged in place a steel bar, bracing shut…
Printers are pure evil
‘Printers are evil,’ said the office supplies salesman after I texted him to complain that my new printer was not…
My run-in with Greta Thunderpants
The anger management counsellor stormed through the door and shouted at me to turn the heating up. Hello to you…
Hands off my empty plastic bottles!
‘Where are my empty plastic bottles?’ I ran around the house screaming, after discovering my stash had disappeared. The government…
My boyfriend, the hedgehog hero
‘I’m making a hedgehog rescue ladder,’ said the builder boyfriend, who was on his knees in the farmyard, drilling a…
How I found Love on Airbnb
‘My name is Love,’ typed the help assistant, ‘and I’m a member of the Airbnb community support team.’ I was…
Help! I don’t speak emoji
My friend replied to my text with seven sets of animal paw prints, interspersed with pink hearts and rounded off…
Why is it so hard to hire a car?
My passport and driving licence sat on the counter but the girl stared back at me, repeating her demand. ‘I…
My B&B’s first celebrity guest
The TV talent show star was due to arrive at 5 p.m., and would be checking into our house long…
Have I met my riding friends?
The sound of the little cart on the lane came first and then the sight of the pony clip-clopping towards…
How to find out what organisations are saying about you
Every time I have a protracted ding-dong with a big organisation, I put in a request under data protection law…
Confessions of a hypochondriac
My neighbour had a surgical procedure and keeps telling me about it. Every time she starts, I shout ‘No! Please…
Why can’t I just buy a boardgame?
The little toy shop stood at the highest point of a steep winding lane of shops all painted different colours,…
Why can no one find the eye hospital?
‘Where’s the eye hospital?’ shouted pretty much everyone standing outside a building signposted eye hospital in Irish. ‘An tAonad Oftailmeolaiochta’…
Is beekeeping left-wing?
‘Zip my head in,’ he said, after climbing into a white jumpsuit with a mesh helmet. It was a beekeeper’s…
An ode to the builder boyfriend
Relationships are about compromise and no wonder so many of us come a cropper in this department when we don’t…
The secret language of horses
‘Horses – beautiful, noble, intelligent creatures,’ said the neighbour I was having tea with. ‘There speaks someone who has never…
Me vs the plumber
My one finished bathroom featured a sink so small I could only wash one hand in it at a time,…
Don’t bother calling the doctor
‘If you are calling about sinusitis, sore throat, earache in children, infected inset bite from the UK not overseas, impetigo,…
Drama on the London Underground
The girl lay slumped against a wall in front of me and someone ran to push the emergency button. I…
We’re serviceless, stateless – and still off grid
You need a personal public service number to get married in Ireland, but in order to get one, you need…
A visit to ye olde Ireland
The £80 million super-yacht with a helicopter on the upper deck sat in the harbour, and we sat outside the…
