Real life
Our first outing to the beach was ruined by angry two-metre-ites
We went on our first outing, to the beach at Littlehampton, but I’m not sure it was as stress-relieving as…
All I want to do is de-worm my horse
We arrived at the country store with only three minutes to closing time so our chances of scoring horse wormer…
What no one tells you about owning a horse
When people ask me what I did during lockdown, I would like to give an inspiring answer, apart from growing…
Lockdown is making a Lib Dem of me
If this lockdown doesn’t end soon we are all going to turn into hairy lefties. I have just cut the…
My toilet ultimatum to the builder boyfriend
The rain showers had a strange and wondrous effect. All the cyclists, joggers and dog walkers that were coming from…
I’m imposing a one-woman trade embargo on China
Without making any efforts in that direction, I now know all about a certain telecom firm’s future business plans. My…
We don’t have lockdown in Surrey
The man was unloading cycles from the boot of his car just as I was about to take the turning…
Why I joined the Jehovah’s Witnesses
The toad who lives at the bottom of the garden in the pile of bricks beneath the potting table was…
Could this pandemic be the death of veganism?
‘Do you want some of the private stuff from out the back?’ said the butcher to the builder boyfriend, leaning…
This pandemic is showing us for who we really are
The spaniel curled up in her basket with one of my shoes, one of his socks and a packet of…
How I fought the urge to panic-buy – and won
‘Get me Heygates on the phone! I need that order of pony nuts now, damn it!’ It was like a…
The badlands of rural Surrey
The most exciting place on earth I have ever been to is the village where I live. And I don’t…
If I don’t like being fat, I should be allowed to say so
The game was up when I put on a pair of size 14 jodhpurs at the country store and they…
How I fell out of love with the BBC
One of the many technological things I don’t understand is, how come I’m paying to watch television? I know why…
Is it possible to have a touch of coronavirus?
Nice of the NHS to send an advisory text about coronavirus, because I was wondering. Is it possible to have…
As long as jokes remain legal I’ll keep on making them
Mr Benn has been in touch because he wants a right of reply to an article I wrote about my…
The pros and cons of robot vision
Being told I am now both short-sighted and long-sighted feels like someone is playing a very bad joke on me.…
The builder boyfriend has fallen off the roof – and still he won’t see a doctor
The builder boyfriend fell off a roof. He didn’t tell me until he could no longer leave unexplained why he…
Dogging on our doorstep
Some might say it was a typical over-reaction on my part to erect hidden cameras at the horses’ field. First…
What has Mr Benn got to do with horse insurance?
‘Time to begin your adventure with Mr Benn!’ said the letter that came through my door, in a big loopy…
How to catch a thief
My tech guy Andy appeared on the doorstep in a puff of smoke. I had just texted him to ask…
How my new pony swept me off my feet – literally
‘This is the one I was thinking of for you,’ said the lady I might feasibly call my mother-in-law, in…
The strange case of the everlasting bonfire
The bonfire burned and burned, choking out black smoke, and when my headache got so bad I could barely see…
Our local Tory candidate’s leaflet was the most disturbing of them all
‘Oh, it’s you!’ said the builder boyfriend to the Tory MP in his shooting jacket, as he made his way…
I’ve practically solved the crime myself but still the police won’t help
‘Thank you for calling Surrey Police. We want to help you with your inquiry as quickly as possible. Did you…
