Real life
A festive rapprochement with the ex-builder boyfriend
1 January. Rooms left in house to decorate: 1 (only the attic, therefore doesn’t count).Walls plastered by self with no…
How Ebenezer Grayling destroyed the Kite family Christmas
Ebenezer Grayling sat busy in his counting house. It was a cold, bleak day at the Department for Transport. Big…
My Christmas tree health-and-safety nightmare
Decorating a tree on the unfinished minstrels’ gallery was an appealing idea if only for the health and safety violations.…
I was right; the vet was wrong; and the scary sexy dentist sorted out the horses
The horse dentist is handsome, with blond windswept hair and a weather-beaten face. There is something Heathcliffian about him, something…
How to destroy a house from the ground up
Lying in bed one night as the rain pounded down, I became aware of a yellow patch forming on the…
Education, spiritual guidance and a good cappuccino: the new face of the NHS
Left at the Dementia Café, right at the Sleep Office, past the Spiritual Care Centre… This was my journey through…
The NHS is teaching me how to stand properly
If you are wondering, any more than usual, how your tax is being spent, you should know that I have…
My hundred-year-old-horse
‘This isn’t so bad,’ said my friend, as we knelt at my old mare’s side as she lay on the…
Bitless and scared witless: a dangerous new left-wing cult
Just when you thought there was nothing more for women of the left to nonsensically oppose, I bring you news…
Silicon Valley’s evil plan
After months of trying not to try the exciting new version of Gmail, the exciting new version of Gmail tried…
The law of acronyms
Teacher training is terrific fun. Oh yes, I am thoroughly enjoying myself on my evening course at Guildford College. Don’t…
I am a prisoner of Norton AntiVirus
Two and a half hours after my tech guy began trying to uninstall Norton, he had purple smoke coming out…
Why mutilate a perfectly good pronoun?
‘I’m just going to pop yourself on hold,’ said the girl from the online shopping firm who was trying to…
Why my lodger has to be a girl
The little lodger is moving in. I chose her after an exhaustive search of twentysomethings looking for accommodation, during which…
I was hounded by a canine sex pest
A big part of my problem is that I don’t understand why people do the things they do. I was…
Is it easier to leave the EU than Norton AntiVirus?
Leaving Norton, the antivirus software package, is a bit like trying to leave the EU. You may think, once you…
When you compare ragwort to Islamic extremism, who should be more offended?
When I made a joke about ragwort being like Islamic extremism, I expected someone to write in. I was fully…
I am high as a Kite on gloss paint (excuse the pun)
After I had been glossing the woodwork for a few days, I started to feel light-headed. It hadn’t occurred to…
Why won’t anyone live with me?
When I placed an advert for a lodger I really did expect potential tenants to want to come and see…
Welcome to customer services, Guantanamo Bay-style
The engineer from Beko arrived and got to work trying to mend the new fridge. Having spent a very long…
The only guarantee I have is that there is no guaranteeing my guarantee
Beko. I always want to sing that song by Peter Gabriel from the movie about the South African freedom fighter…
Stefano is a tonic, and I love him
Stefano came back to paint the front of the house. I have never been so pleased to see his red…
It was either new carpets – or happy dogs
Instead of carpeting the upstairs of the house, I had grass fragments removed from the dogs’ ears. I can’t say…
Is EE fantastic after all?
This was going to be about how a major phone company surprised me by delivering a fantastic service. I was…
Sex and MOTs
Opening a button of my shirt to get the horse lorry through its MOT is the sort of thing I…
