Real life
Me and my gun
Finally, I got my hands on a gun. About the size of a sawn-off shotgun it was, just under 20in…
The hidden costs of dogging
Every day in every way we are paying for more and more. I realise this increasingly. Things we took for…
It’s war in my neighbourhood – and this time it’s gloves off
After sanding floorboards for two days I became even more demented than usual. The hand sander was the exact right…
Turmeric is the hero herb – an all-natural, vegan alternative to common sense
Dear customer, we are invading your privacy and sending you this unsolicited email in order to tell you that you…
Now I know how the Karate Kid felt
Now I know how the Karate Kid felt. Two hours after I began oiling the newly laid deck in my…
The poorer I get, the more capitalist I become
‘What a fabulous tan, where did you get it? said one of my fellow lunch guests as we entered the…
My name’s Melissa and my horse is a grassoholic
Laminitis is a lot like alcoholism. Once you cross the line you can’t go back. ‘My name’s Gracie and I’m…
The women who are turning horses into dogs
The first time I saw a woman leading a horse down the lane on a lead, both she and it…
Why suburban ladies really play tennis
Because my mother is always telling me everything will be all right if I join a tennis club, I’ve joined…
Save me from middle managers dressed up as Spiderman
‘You’ve got your essay on your back, then?’ said the stable yard owner as I headed out with Darcy on…
Do we really need an app for everything?
‘If this madness goes on, I will not be able to leave my house without downloading the app,’ I told…
‘See it, Say it, Sort it’ makes me want to self-harm
‘How could you forget to get on the train?’ asked the keeper. ‘I can understand how you forgot to get…
I have broken a mirror — only seven years bad luck to go!
The broken mirror lay in hundreds of shattered pieces on my bathroom floor, having fallen off the wall while I…
I’m being spied on in my bedroom by a drone
The sound of something hideous woke me in the dead of night, and I shot out of bed. I looked…
I’m mad as hell and not going to take it any more!
‘I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it any more!’ I screamed through the window of the…
Save me from stupid women
We live in a cynical world. One cannot simply advertise something for sale and expect people to believe what one…
My unhealthy obsession with Brian May
‘I bet Brian May isn’t lying on his back in a field shelter wondering how long it’s going to take…
We are only one thank you away from killing one another
‘Good afternoon, my name is Bradley, and how may I be of help to you today?’ After you’ve spent ten…
I can’t live without Jane Fonda
Everything since the ZX Spectrum has pretty much left me cold. Ghetto blasters, Sony Walkmans, CDs, Apple Macs, iPods, PlayStations……
I’ve faked my own iPhone death
After much thought, I am toying with the idea of faking my own death. I mean in a virtual sense,…
My horse is a psychopath — and you’d better believe it
Why do people find it so hard to believe that a horse can be a psychopath? Not an obvious, screaming…
Hell is a dental hygienist
‘Please, could you just clean my teeth?’ I want to say, only I don’t. I go along with it, praying…
Are vets the new transgenders?
The vet who is unhappy that I cracked a joke about vets has received the backing of the British Veterinary…
Melissa Kite: The death of humour
A vet has accused me of a ‘hate crime’ for making a joke about vets. On the basis that everything…
Melissa Kite: No more Cinderella complex; no more males rescuers needed
‘Not being rude, but I don’t think you should do any DIY,’ said the gamekeeper. He had just witnessed me…
