DIY
The builder and I are done with Surrey
As he grouted the last tile, five years after the bathroom was finished, I knew the game was up. ‘I…
My toilet ultimatum to the builder boyfriend
The rain showers had a strange and wondrous effect. All the cyclists, joggers and dog walkers that were coming from…
Too much photocopying but stick with it: The Assistant reviewed
First, the latest digital film release: The Assistant, starring Julia Garner in a slowly, slowly, catchy, catchy tale that won’t…
The builder b and I are engaged in a toilet war
No sooner had the builder boyfriend finished digging for no good reason in the basement than his attention turned to…
Now that Brexit’s been cancelled I’m moving to the Dordogne
‘When you are in a hole stop digging. Have you never heard that?’ I asked the builder boyfriend, as he…
Professional villagers won’t rest until they have eliminated mud from the countryside
‘Don’t touch anything sharp. Don’t saw anything or drill anything or sand anything,’ said the builder boyfriend as he left…
A festive rapprochement with the ex-builder boyfriend
1 January. Rooms left in house to decorate: 1 (only the attic, therefore doesn’t count).Walls plastered by self with no…
Me and my gun
Finally, I got my hands on a gun. About the size of a sawn-off shotgun it was, just under 20in…
It’s war in my neighbourhood – and this time it’s gloves off
After sanding floorboards for two days I became even more demented than usual. The hand sander was the exact right…
Now I know how the Karate Kid felt
Now I know how the Karate Kid felt. Two hours after I began oiling the newly laid deck in my…
Melissa Kite: No more Cinderella complex; no more males rescuers needed
‘Not being rude, but I don’t think you should do any DIY,’ said the gamekeeper. He had just witnessed me…
Real life
How reassuringly like old times it is, going to a God-forsaken retail park with Stefano. We mooch about the DIY…
