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I’ve developed a fascination for anti-terrorist security officers
A pair of anti-terrorism officers watched us check through into the boarding lounge. They stood behind the easyJet woman and…
‘See it, Say it, Sort it’ makes me want to self-harm
‘How could you forget to get on the train?’ asked the keeper. ‘I can understand how you forgot to get…
I have to concentrate pretty hard on the Flat when the Grand National hasn’t even been run
William Haggas’s Addeybb heralded the opening of the Flat season by winning the Lincoln Handicap on 24 March but I…
Bridge
I’m not saying that I want ‘She played bridge for England’ on my tombstone — but then again… Last weekend,…
The black art of acting
I go to the theatre but rarely because I am overpowered by even mediocre acting and find it exhausting. Theatre…
I’m being spied on in my bedroom by a drone
The sound of something hideous woke me in the dead of night, and I shot out of bed. I looked…
Has Provence cured my cancer?
During the past three years I have spent quite a bit of time in a rented house in Provence. Volets…
I’m mad as hell and not going to take it any more!
‘I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it any more!’ I screamed through the window of the…
Me, General de Gaulle and an elderly barbecued lesbian
The flight from Gatwick to France was cancelled and there was no prospect of another for three days. Paddington station…
Save me from stupid women
We live in a cynical world. One cannot simply advertise something for sale and expect people to believe what one…
Was the easyJet representative a fascist?
Earbuds in. Speed walking to Grant Lazlo’s ‘Heard It Through The Grapevine’. A corridor, a left fork, a moving walkway,…
My unhealthy obsession with Brian May
‘I bet Brian May isn’t lying on his back in a field shelter wondering how long it’s going to take…
From the First Battle of Ypres to Brexit
Poperinghe, Bailleul, Wytschaete, Gheluvelt, Ploegsteert, Messines, Zonnebeke, Passchendaele. The other week I grandiosely claimed that I have been reading about…
We are only one thank you away from killing one another
‘Good afternoon, my name is Bradley, and how may I be of help to you today?’ After you’ve spent ten…
The vomit-cleaners of YouTube
My hangover was what the great Kingsley Amis describes in his Everyday Drinking guide as a ‘metaphysical’ hangover. Apart from…
I can’t live without Jane Fonda
Everything since the ZX Spectrum has pretty much left me cold. Ghetto blasters, Sony Walkmans, CDs, Apple Macs, iPods, PlayStations……
Even the BBC’s recipes are politically correct
I’m cooking almost full-time for my poor old Mum and learning on the job: shepherd’s pie, roast pork, cauliflower cheese.…
I’ve faked my own iPhone death
After much thought, I am toying with the idea of faking my own death. I mean in a virtual sense,…
Seeing Nelson in a new light
I picked up my grandson from his mother’s flat and noticed the change in him the second I clapped eyes…
My horse is a psychopath — and you’d better believe it
Why do people find it so hard to believe that a horse can be a psychopath? Not an obvious, screaming…
My Burns Night haircut
At three o’clock I took half a bottle of Glenmorangie with me to Jimmy’s. That it was Burns Night, and…
Hell is a dental hygienist
‘Please, could you just clean my teeth?’ I want to say, only I don’t. I go along with it, praying…
Two documentaries have made me determined to visit America’s Deep South before I die
‘ESTA refused,’ said the email from the official website of the US Department of Homeland Security. Franklin Roosevelt once said…
Are vets the new transgenders?
The vet who is unhappy that I cracked a joke about vets has received the backing of the British Veterinary…
Jeremy Clarke: The power of ‘Bonjour’
In France, or in Provence at least, polite rule number one is to say hello. You must offer a distinct…
